A View of Lateral Grief

**This is a re-post. Its been 3 years.

This morning I was driving to work reflecting on the past two years. Weird it’s been two years. It seems like five minutes some days; others an eternity. When in the pit of grief the only way to go isn’t up- sometimes it is sideways. Moving laterally is common. It feels like a mundane routine, swiftly or slowly moving but getting nowhere. Before you know it days, weeks, even months have passed and you are feeling no closer to recovering than the very first day.

So how do we move from lateral movement and healing to something a bit more vertical?

What works for some of us may not work for everyone. We have different personalities. Our loss is unique to us as individuals. We have different obligations and other life-things we must work around while in this process. When we are ready, maybe we can make a list.

If you have read my blog for any amount of time you may already know I love the value of a well made (or not so well made) list. It gives me purpose and a goal when I am most distracted. I have a master list in my planner then multiple lists for the days and weeks to come. My budget is in the form of a list. My daily chores are sometimes in list form so I don’t get caught up on a project I discover along the way.

By creating a list unique to my needs, I have been effectively changing my lateral healing into one of a vertical sense. It was almost like a sudden creative thought, to work on my grief from a list. I felt a little embarrassed because in normal circumstances I would have made a list right away. Grief is tricky this way. Normal things become relative I have learned.

The way I structured my list was simple- I put the most important things first. My health was at the top and included both mental and physical attributes. Emotionally, I know I struggle. I wrote down solutions I know work for me and made sure I had the opportunity to view this page every day. I understand myself enough to know what will work and what will not. I lean heavy on my instincts while referring to my list to keep myself on track. I also have an accountability person.

My husband is my natural choice for accountability. He lives in my house. He is the person I see the most. He is not afraid to tell me when my attitude stinks or my hair is a mess or my outfit is unacceptable. His ability to be honest and genuinely wanting what’s best for me makes him the obvious choice.

I must have an accountability person who won’t tell me what I want to hear, but what I must hear to move forward.

Some days on my journey I add things I hadn’t thought of before. Just like most things in life, I have no control over how fast or slow I proceed. There are a lot of factors and I work more at rolling with the punches than anything else. I have some semblance of a plan for how I respond when things get tough. I have the notion to pause when caught off guard. I have scripture to support me when I feel lonely or frustrated.

Some things I have learned.

Grief is a process we cannot fit in a box. It cannot be “solved” with a twelve step program because the steps are endless. I cannot offer my list for someone else because our journeys are not the same. But I can offer hope, encouragement and come alongside others when they are in the midst of their journey.

If you are grieving please know I am sorry, and I do love you. Your journey matters because it is yours. You don’t have to embrace it like an old friend. You aren’t doing this wrong, you are simply doing it. There are resources available for those who are grieving, but mostly having someone to commiserate with is a big deal. If you haven’t found that person, you have found me. I will sit in the gutter with you as long as you like. I will listen to your story and hold your hand, even if only virtually.

I understand that I don’t have to understand to be helpful.

I simply need to listen and love you.

XOXO