We find as we get older it is as hard as when we were in high school. Women are judgmental creatures, and we don’t do a lot of changing for one another. When we need something, it can sometimes come at a cost for those who care for us. This is not an intentional price to charge for friendship, but sometimes a necessary one to pay.

Recently, I had come to a place in my life where I needed white space on my calendar. There were a lot of things we did which kept us busy, and they need to be reviewed due to some unexpected things. Every single extra thing was postponed. I quit hosting my small group- I never asked them to not meet without me- I encouraged them to continue. Our Wednesday night bible study-we checked out momentarily. Saturday night at the coffee house? We have only been once since the holidays.   Needing that time was a huge realization for me, but it became a source of discontent for others.

Let’s clarify. As women, we don’t ever say “Hey I need ya’ll to leave me alone for a year or so, while I put my life back together.” What we say is “I need to slow down for a while.”  Or “I need to focus on something else for now.” Somehow, our need for a bit of solitude and time with Jesus translates into “don’t call, don’t write, don’t speak.”  We are not sure where we go wrong. There are a lot of things happening in our lives right now- big things we didn’t ask for. Some of them tragic, some of them momentous, but still big things. It can turn into a lonely process.

Our husbands can be amazing- but they simply are not our girlfriends.

I have come to the realization that as women, we either want the entire package unconditionally or just the parts that suit us, making us able to walk away at any uncomfortable moment.

 I want the entire package.

We want the late-night check-ins, the cards of encouragement. We need the to know someone is in our corner, even when our lives are falling apart at the seams. We want to know, regardless of our real-life things, that our friends will still be here when the next wave of life hits. We want to know they are here now during the “down time”, and they will be there when the chips fall.  We want the unconditional understanding, love, and support.

Shauna Neiquist says in her book Present Over Perfect, “Draw close to people who honor your no, who cheer you on for telling the truth, who value your growth more than they value their own needs getting met or their own pathologies celebrated.”

Such a profound statement of truth. She also speaks to valuing silence, how disappointing people is normal and running to Jesus is pertinent. In the moments when our “no” is not honored by friends, or we don’t feel cheered on and we are disappointed and lonely, we must remember a few things.  It is ok for us to step away and take care of the things which demand our attention.  It is normal to take a period of reflection and meditation for ourselves when going through a crisis. It is ok to want to step back and have down time when life overwhelms us. Those who love us unconditionally will be there at the end, with open arms and open hearts, ready to carry us forward regardless of circumstance.

 

For more on Shauna Neiquist and her book Present Over Perfect, visit her at her site. Present Over Perfect is an amazing book and I highly recommend it.