We have all seen it happen. Maybe we have been on the receiving end of it, maybe we were the perpetrator. That moment when a “good Christian woman” turns into a mean girl. It happens to everyone in some capacity or another.  First it’s a look, then maybe a snarky comment or stare. It escalates quickly and cannot be stopped easily. It becomes a fast tornado of words, emotions and hurt feelings. Some of us are scarred forever because of our mean girl encounters.

When I was graduating high school, I was glad to finally be out of the realm of the bullies who caused me great pain day in and day out. I never was physically bullied, but I was emotionally pushed around for years. It also started with a look, then a comment. And once they knew they got under my skin, there they stayed. Mean Girls.  I very naively thought once I graduated there would be no more of this. Well, at least in High school they had to be sneaky. As an adult, Mean Girls are everywhere, and they are ruthless. The worst ones I have encountered are the ones who claim to be Christian women, and are part of my church, and community..

I watched on a missions trip as a group of friends treated a member of their own circle as an outcast. They made plans without her, shushed each other as she approached and went as far as leaving her behind during a planned outing. They were super sneaky- except she knew all about it. She knew she was being left out. She knew about their plans for when the group returned home. She knew they had no intention of including her as a “part” of the group.  Yet, she still returned to them, week after week, month after month. She knows they are excluding her intentionally, but she craves the camaraderie so much, she hangs in there.

I sat in the same mission a year later, and listened as someone degraded and busted up my husband and me as leaders. I watched the events unfold like a fine cloth, no tears, no seams, and no wrinkles. The information was put out in half-truths, quietly and indirectly at times. The comments, the “concerns” over our ability to lead, our genuine Love for Christ questioned. They spilled over into our daily lives, consuming me so very much, making me feel like I am not worthy of the direction God had put into motion, planted into my heart. The seeds of self-doubt were now sown into my life fabric, and I do not know if I can ever serve in that capacity again.

More recently, my inner circle of friends was told they needed to “do something with their friend”, based on the opinion of someone who doesn’t even know me.  It was a mean thing to do to my inner circle, expecting them to “do something”, when they all knew the truth that she just never inquired about. My leadership and self-worth once again lost in the paralyzing fear of not being enough for those I long to serve. It was devastating when I thought it was my job to be worried about what others thought of me. It left me with thoughts of insecurity and self-doubt that I still have a hard time shaking.

I have been the victim of the mean girls of Christianity for a long time. The whispers. The nudges, sideways glances and snickers. The judgment over how my children behave, adult or not. The looks in the grocery store because I have been crying. The being intentionally left out of opportunities to serve because I don’t “fit in.” The sarcastic comments when I don’t know what to say or how to react to someone. The pretending to be my close friend in front of people and treating me like your doormat when no one is looking.  The being ignored, disregarded and disrespected.

It is a lot of fun being on the receiving end.

**Insert Sarcasm**

There is no room for Mean Girls in my life. There just isn’t. There is no room for them in the church. Unfortunately for those of us on the receiving end, they just continue to get away with it. No one ever calls them out. I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to be friends with someone who behaves in such a fashion. I cannot understand what kind of thrill is provided in being mean to another woman. These are our sisters! These women are dealing with the same things over and over- parenting issues, spouse issues, work issues- the list is never ending. We are supposed to be lifting our sisters up- and instead some are spending their time tearing the last few threads that are holding others together until there is nothing left.  It takes a lot of work to be a mean girl- it takes only a two second conversation to be her friend. The words “How can I serve you?” come to mind every single time. When she cries- you hold her hand silently. When she looks afraid, you comfort her. When she is hungry you feed her. When she is lonely you invite her to dinner. When she is emotional you ask her what she needs. When she is angry or hurt you help her overcome, instead of insisting that someone else “do something”. If you cannot do any of these things for whatever reason, you pray and walk away in quiet, not saying anything at all, to anyone else in judgment or otherwise.

As women we have lost our way with one another. We are judgmental, we are vicious, and we are Pharisees. We need to stop being something Jesus wouldn’t approve of and start being the compassionate, loving, moving servants He created us to be.