Fear and Overwhelming Emotion

When my dad first found out he was sick, I didn’t have an emotional response right away. There were a lot of “wait and see” doctor appointments. There was a lot of waiting for test results and treatment plans. In hindsight, I think I knew the fear and overwhelming emotion was coming- I simply didn’t know when and I didn’t have a plan for handling it.

I remember very clearly the first time I became overwhelmed, then afraid, then almost panicked. I was thinking about all the things he would miss, depending on when he died. This was after Thanksgiving dinner 2016. I had been sitting on the couch watching something on tv and it just hit me. Dad won’t see another Thanksgiving.

It had crossed my mind sitting at the dinner table surrounded by my parents and family, but I had pushed the thought away. It was unwelcome. It came back when I was alone. It was reality and I wanted nothing to do with it. But once it entered my mind, there was nowhere for it go. It stuck and from that day on every time the phone rang I dreaded answering it.

This was the beginning of my fear, and the overwhelming emotional rollercoaster followed close behind.

Once dad had passed on and we were figuring out how to live without him, I had a rather large emotional panic attack. I had no idea who was going to cook our traditional pancakes for our family camping trip. Literally no one else had ever done this before. It was dads job, no discussion.

I went into the freak-out mode in the grocery store. I pulled myself together and bought the remainder of my list. Once I headed home, I had a meltdown and cried while putting away the groceries. Big reminders of his absence kept coming. Big emotions followed.

Anxiety coupled with grief is no joke, and I was overwhelmed.

The best thing I did for myself was to stop and pray. I dove into scripture to find something to commiserate with. Then I went looking for comfort. I found it in reading through parts of Job and visualizing Gods promises to him through his overwhelming moments. (which mine do not compare to)

This is what worked for me.

I know not everyone finds comfort in the same scripture I do. For some people being in nature or at a busy mall gives them comfort. For some, keeping busy is the way they successfully cope, after asking God to take the anxiety. Regardless of how, learning to deal with the fear of the future and the overwhelming anxiety that can follow is an important step in healing little by little.

Acknowledging and accepting the rollercoaster is just the first step. What you decide to do with it will determine the next. For me, it was rolling with it instead of fighting it, because I came to a place where I had no fight left in me.

That was the day my healing began.

XOXO,