Five Simple Words : On Grief

When my dad passed away, I was prepared for some things. His death was a gift in the end because he suffered so. I knew the moment Jesus took his hand. It was exhilarating. As a Christian, there were certain things I was equipped for in the days and weeks to follow. The newness of his absence was the one thing (and still is) that I cannot get my head around. The other thing?

The things people say because let’s face it, what do you say?

There is no cure-all phrase when you see someone who has lost a loved one. There is not one thing that pops into your head that makes any sense whatsoever. But there are a few common things which come flying out of our mouths without our brains permission, and these are things we need to have some control over.

We have all done it.

Walking in the store, minding our own business and WHAM. Out of nowhere (or the next aisle), there comes so and so whose brother died last month.

AWKWARD.

Pause, silence, then the blurts begin. (and my personal sometimes salty responses in my head)

“How are you doing?” (How do I look like I am doing?)

“Let me know if there is anything I can do” (Facepalm)

“At least he didn’t suffer/isn’t suffering anymore” (Knife in the heart)

“Do you need anything?” (endless list)

“I understand what you are going through” (you aren’t me- not possible)

“We will ‘insert togetherness’ when you are ready” (what does that even mean, ready for what?)

“He looked peaceful” (ummm…no response to that)

Says nothing at all, just quickly walks by and gives a half wave (my personal favorite)

Let me first say, I know all about these things. I have said them all. (another facepalm)

All I can say in my defense is, what was I thinking?

I can admit to an almost panic mode.

It’s horrible, the things we say when we don’t know what to say. We are left so helpless, wordless and actionless. And there is that whole “everyone is different” thing to overcome. Every single person deals with loss in a different way.

So how do we approach a person who has lost a loved one without sounding just like everyone else? How do we say I love you and I am sorry when we unexpectedly run into the grieving?

Wait for it.

How about we say, “I love you and I am sorry.”

I know your mind is blown right now. And I also know none of us are capable of thinking of this in a split second. Telling someone you love them is not natural for most. It is uncomfortable and awkward and the direct opposite of running away from their loss and grief. It makes us feel something real. It might make us deal with our own grief, tucked away from our own loss. But it is necessary.

The words we say and don’t say are full of intention, good and bad. They can be a life source for those stuck in the cycle of grief which seems never-ending. Coming up with a good way to acknowledge someone’s heartache, while not sounding like a repetitive robot is challenging. Being able to convey sorrow and love can be simplified by choosing wisely.

If you have something smart and loving to say when someone is dealing with loss, I would love to hear it.

If you have a “favorite” you are all done hearing, I would love to add it to my blurt list.

If you are feeling guilty because you have done these things, let’s forget the guilt and move on by finding a good way to express our sympathy to those in grief.

XOXO