Is This What a MidLife Crisis Looks Like?
Have I entered into a place of no return where my kids are adults finding their way and my house is quiet and my husband is reflective? At one point this past year, I was in full scale panic mode. We still have a kiddo living at home. He has good reasons and we don’t mind. But momma was freaking out.
All the things were scaring me.
What if I didn’t teach them to look out for scam artists? What if I didn’t prepare them for grocery bill shock and how to make every last meal count? Did they learn how to look up scripture? Do they know Jesus loves them unconditionally, regardless of what society says? Can my children get in the car and come home and feel welcome at all times, no matter what? Do they know?
Panic for sure. I know I am not perfect so surely I forgot some things and they would have a crisis I couldn’t help with because it is too late now. It was easier when they were preteens and teens and fighting over Doritos and cokes and locking each other out of the house.
Yes, I said it.
It. Was. Easier.
There- Now the cat is out of the bag.
I spent most of the past six months worrying about all the things. Randomness popped into my head and I would find myself in tears. I text my daughter many times and she talked me down off the ledge. Then she and her husband “just happened to be in the neighborhood” one evening. I was suspicious because we live in the middle of a farm field. I had just gotten calmed down by her for the billionth time and she said “we will be over in a few” then pulled in the driveway.
A whole new level of emotion emerged as she stood in the kitchen and told me they were pregnant. Every single emotion came rushing back and poured out of my face in the form of joyful happy tears. I stood quietly and sobbed. I haven’t had tears of joy since daddy died. There was no better reason to have them. The heartache and fear and sleepless nights were all for something. I realized I was going to be ok. The Holy Spirit gifted me with this moment of peace and I have relished in it.
“ Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
There have been a lot of things happen since then. People have said things in anger, feelings have been hurt and our lives turned upside down from more than one direction. John and I have sat together and prayed, cried and waited for Jesus to take control over it all, and He has.
One day, the clouds parted and I realized a few things, because I know they know what is most important. We told them. And after all, this is the next natural step in life.
I realized it sure is nice having an office space, an almost full scale art studio and an extra bedroom for the grand-girls to stay in. I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. I can paint, carpet and move the furniture around. I can sell things to simplify my life. I can have an empty room to pray in if I want to. I come and go as I please. I make appointments and go to lunch with my husband. I can take a nap, uninterrupted.
I can visit, call, text, social media and drive my kids crazy in the process. I can check in, tell them I am thinking about them or xoxo them everyday. I can hover or I can stay home, where I need to be so they can figure things out.
There are many things I miss about my kids being here. I do miss the crazy loud times. I miss the movies on the couch times and the electricity blown out by a storm times. I miss camping with them, skiing with them and being silly with them. I miss their worry free faces and their carefree kid plans. I even miss their mess.
As I prepare myself for this last one to fly the nest I realize they may never take us up on the offer to return. But if they do, there will be a Pinterest decorated spare bedroom for them to sleep in. There will be pretty towels and smelly soap in the bathrooms. The fridge will be full and the quilts will be on the couch. There will be pictures from the past on the wall, and their childhood memories will be cherished by them as much as by me.
XOXO
