Are you familiar with the term “church widow?”

For those of you who know exactly what I am talking about, I am not sure if I should apologize or applaud. Allow me to explain to those who may be headed down this path, or to those who are church widows but haven’t realized it just yet.

Does your spouse spend so much time at your church doing things that you have considered a change of address form? When you look at your calendar, do most days consist of church events, activities or work days? Is your spouse in leadership on some level with consistent meetings which require at home planning and use of personal resources? (to clarify, I am not talking about ministers)

If you’re a church widow and feel left on your own due to the high demand of your spouse, take heart! This is not always a bad thing. Adjustments can be made so your relationship doesn’t suffer.

First, let’s be clear. If your spouse spends more time at the church or working on church things, and they aren’t a minister, then maybe you need to have a conversation. I’m talking about missing birthday parties and important family events. Don’t ever let the work the two of you do in the church become a circumstance or excuse for trouble in your relationship. God’s plan for your life is not to throw it into a tailspin so your spouse can fix things, teach things and do random things at the church while your household suffers.

He wants your household in order first. {1 Timothy 3:12} {1 Timothy 5:8} While these verses have been used for years to guide leaders, they are applicable to everyone.

I will also caution you- before you have this conversation make sure the problem is the schedule and time and real-life events, not your own jealous heart.

As a woman, I crave time with my husband. He also craves time with me. We are careful to keep a balance and carve out the time for our own relationships with Christ, our marriage and our family. When things get really busy, we are really good at blaming those things instead of being accountable for our own selfish wants. Having him serve in his current capacity is a change for us. I have learned to share. I pray I don’t interfere with his ministry due to my selfish wants. I love having a Godly husband. I am proud of him for serving, but it isn’t always easy.

I have seen more than one marriage get rocky because one spouse was not involved in service ministry and the other was deeply involved. Serving should not be a catalyst for problems when both are believers. There must be balance and understanding. Sometimes serving looks like tooling around with the minister or sitting at the coffee shop with a co-leader. Being on the worship team requires rehearsals, early arrivals on Sunday and occasionally flying by the seat of your pants. Being part of the workday life group means a Saturday commitment once a month. Anytime spent in ministry is serving, no matter how small. We need to recognize these small acts may be very big in God’s plan.

We also need to understand our spouse may be called differently than we are, and it is ok.

We are all created equal, but different. Your spouse may be leading people to Christ with the work accomplished, even when it feels as if there was nothing meaningful done at all. Being supportive and praying for their ministry is the best possible scenario. Communicating your concerns is important, too. Marriage is 100% x 100% and both of you need to agree and understand this.

If you are struggling with being a “church widow” have the conversation. Find out what the purpose of the time spent serving is. With better understanding, God will put your heart and mind at ease. If there is a valid issue, then he will help you and your spouse find a solution. Maybe you will find an unexpected place to serve as well.

Join me next week when we talk about the other side of this issue- The Servant Spouse.

XOXO