The look on her face said it all.  Her tone was disappointed.

“It’s ok, I really didn’t want you anyway, I just wanted your husband,” she said, then walked away.

It’s not that I didn’t want to serve at my church. I was trying to be more intentional by not spreading myself too thin. I didn’t want to commit to something I knew I couldn’t live up to. In my mind, by telling her no, I was doing her a favor. I was saving her the hassle of replacing me when I was absent.

She didn’t see it that way at all. It was very personal, getting the schedules done. It was her job, and she saw it as our responsibility to fill those spaces. I completely understand.

 I remain guiltless.

I don’t have a problem telling people “No”. I make it a point to know what my schedule is, giving an honest answer as soon as possible. I will not leave my name in the “maybe” box if I don’t have to.

“No” is not a dirty word. It does carry a lot of weight, and sometimes can let our feelings be known in certain tones and context. It was hard to learn to say. Now I am an expert. It feels good to say “NO” and protect my time and commitments.

  If I have obligations which take me away from my priorities, I have not protected my time.

I have specific moments I want to spend with Jesus, family and alone. I am committed to writing, mentoring and reading others writing. I have people and they are important to me.

I am not always saying no.

Saying yes to a few things and no to a lot of things is a good rule. For example, there are many ways to serve at church. Children’s ministries, communion prep, classes, hospitality, planning and so on. I am not able to do them all.

Vacation Bible School is an awesome program- I will be dropping my grandbabies off and picking them up each evening. It is not in my best interest to participate in this again. I used to be a co-director. I got left at the helm of that ship a couple of times, and never even got a thank you. I have had enough of the anxiety of VBS from all perspectives. It’s just not my thing.

My thing is coffee. If you follow me on Instagram, you already know. When our church started a coffee ministry, I was asked to make coffee. Perfect. Since I am in a people-make-me-anxious phase, I can make the coffee, go to Sunday school and never interact with another soul. It gives me a quiet way to serve a purpose, without over committing and overwhelming myself. The time right before worship is critical for me. Knowing my serving limits is important. Keeping my obligations in check is very helpful.

Let’s talk about actually practicing “No”.

When I first said it to someone, they were shocked. I was a yes girl.  “Yes, I will fill in the blank.”

This is how I lost my Joy.

Serving Christ became a mission in keeping up appearances and making other people happy. I am a natural servant. I am not a natural people pleaser. In some roles, your job is to make people happy and welcome. It honestly would be a tragedy if I had to greet or do hospitality on the front line at church.  This was a smart “No” for me, and everyone else.

Saying “No” can begin simply.

I automatically say no to things which require repetition. For example, I do not want to obligate myself to weekly teaching, so I don’t.  I want my commitments to be intentional, to serve a purpose. I want to do them wholeheartedly, not halfway. I need to prayerfully consider them at all times. I need to check my calendar and preserve the white space.

These are things which work for me. They do not work for everyone, and not everyone understands them. Overcoming this obstacle is sometimes hard. Here are some examples and how to qualify your “No”, guilt-free.

Your kids want to add another activity to the family calendar-

Set limits. Be clear and concise. One day events happen. Repeating commitments are a bigger deal.  Our kids were allowed one activity at a time. They were all involved in scouting, which was year-round. They also participated in various sports, knowing scouting would take a back seat during those peak seasons. There were two of us and four of them. The basic math had to work out. Plus side- no one’s life was ever ruined by telling them no. (this is also a good time to set budgets for things)

Your favorite church lady is working on schedules-

Be clear on where you want to serve and for how long. You know she’s coming for you, it’s just a matter of time. Help her out by knowing your limits, or if you want to switch up your game and serve in a new capacity. Be clear about your intentions, so you don’t accidentally get left on last years commitment, and added to a new one. Communicate with your spouse if you have one.

Your friends want to start a weekly coffee date-

Make sure everyone knows you are “in”, but this is a flexible commitment. There is no reason for people to be worried if you don’t show up. This applies to Bible studies, book clubs etc.

You work from home-

I work from home in the summer, so people automatically think I am available all the time.

Not the case, and I have had to learn to say no without explaining myself. It is not easy, because everyone wants to know “why” all the time. I have a standard answer. “I am working, but I appreciate the invitation/offer/you are thinking of me. Maybe some other time.”  It is not always met with belief, but it is true. Clear boundaries to protect your work time are important, regardless of income or hobby.

Lastly, don’t ever allow the pressure to do it all or be it all to define your time spent. You have a million things to do. If your dreams are thwarted by your time constraints, maybe you are overbooked.

God for sure has a plan for you, and you need to be able to work it.