Grief: The Wondering and Wandering
Sometimes when I make decisions I ask myself a simple question. If my dad were here right now, would his shoulders shake with laughter approving my decision, or would I get his “disclaimer look?” I like to think he laughed approvingly at most. I know he laughed at a lot of things I did- mostly because my life was one big adventure added to his.
It is weird having him absent. I can’t really think of another word to describe it more fully. So strange to miss someone who was here one day and not the next.
While I know he is gone, I cannot reconcile it in my head. I cannot get the reality of “forever” to stick. Maybe because it is not forever?! We will meet again, transformed into something new. I have hope in the faith he taught me about. It’s deeper than the other things we mulled over.
Talking was not our strong point while his body was dying.
We rarely had conversations. I went on the assumption he was tired of the talking because he wanted to be living. It can’t be easy to face your own mortality. I am not sure what he thought. If I had it to do again- and I pray I never do-I will ask. I will move heaven and earth to be with my loved one in the weeks leading to their last breath.
I would encourage you to say all the things in and on your heart because they are important to one of you if God has placed them there.
I wonder (and occasionally worry) about some of these things. Did my dad know- I mean really truly know I loved him? Can he see me now with all these regrets? Does he know I still- almost 2 years later- try to pick up the phone to call him some days? (I switched his contact over when I got my new phone.) Does he see me pause at his picture and tribute flag at work? Does he have regrets- something he needed to say to me? Are there things we didn’t take care of because time was short and people were numerous? Does he know how much we miss him?
I wonder how that conversation with Jesus goes. I wonder if my dad is telling Jesus how to do his job because I am messing this up. I could see him saying, “Um, Lord? Could you just give her a nudge?” I could see him being full of humility at his feet, then giggling at some of the things I do, wanting to rescue me from there as he did from here. Mostly, I picture them as friends.
John and I talked about how much dad wanted to sing in church. I became super emotional because I realized how proud of John he would be if he were here now. If he can see us, I am confident he is bursting at the seams.
We have grown in the Holy Spirit so much. We are serving in our church again. We are leading our lives and making changes based on biblical principle and what God wants for us, at the direction of the Holy Spirit. We are drawing boundaries with people to protect ourselves during this time of learning and wisdom growing. One day I am hoping I will be able to share all I have learned with my children as my dad did with me. One day I hope they realize and respond.
I wonder what he thinks of how I am handling being the parent of adult kids. I don’t think I am doing so hot. I mean, they are all alive, and none of them are drug dealers or in jail as far as I know. They are self-sufficient and lawful and basically good human beings. I would like for them to know Jesus better, and it is my prayer they come to him soon. I realize those are the things my dad wanted for us. I have to wait because Gods timing is not our own. He must have been super frustrated with me because I feel like I took forever.
I’ve come to realize my best lesson in this grief journey is to lean on Jesus and let him handle it.
I must allow him to walk me through all this wondering and wandering. His timing has no pattern, and sometimes it feels like there is no rhyme or reason. But he is God, and I am not. He is my rock, and thankfully so.
He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just.
A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
XOXO
Relationships Complicated by Communication
Communication is the key to relationship success.
It is the number one way to continue- or discontinue- a relationship with someone. There don’t have to be words exchanged- it can be a look or a touch. You can send a card or a letter. (GASP) We do still have mail carriers and they still deliver mail.
For all the ways we have to communicate, you would think we could, well, communicate. Think about it. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Linked In, Pinterest, websites, instant messenger, texting, emailing. I could go on but you get the picture. There are countless ways to reach out to someone. Yet, we continue to be terrible at it.
I spent a lot of intentional time alone in 2018. I didn’t reach out to social groups, didn’t make plans or
I relished in long quiet mornings watching the sunrise. I drank coffee on my back patio. I prayed. I left my phone inside and my computer off the internet. I figured my people would check on me regularly. I assumed there would be impromptu visits and invitations to do things. I figured they would take care of me for a little while.
It’s been really quiet.
At
It caused me to pause. I was in a weird place of needing others to be more proactive in our relationships. I was doing good to get myself moving each day- let alone maintain working connections I already had with people I had an investment in. I made the assumption they were invested too and I was as valuable to them.
Why do we throw away good relationships? Maybe the question is “When did we get too busy for one another?” or “When did most of my relationships become one way streets?”
The truth? I felt like I had been discarded- punished for following a quiet path clearly laid out for me.
People go through life things, and we depend on those around us to hold us up. It dawned on me I had set my expectation high for people who didn’t want what I wanted. I was expecting the fairytale tribe to show up in full force.
There are men & women all over living the #TRIBE dream. I have longed for this my entire life. I have always wanted to be part of a tribe where everyone is different, and they love unconditionally despite opinion and vocation.
One where the girls go on trips together and families spend late summer nights around a fire and drink coffee at the coffee house and worship on Sunday with full seats surrounding us. I have wanted sisters in Christ who call and check on me or sit in the quiet and hold my hand while I cry.
I want people who rally around one another when a heart is broken and celebrate with when it is full. I want the laughter of
I want to be invested in people who are also invested in me. We can learn so much from one another when we agree and disagree.
Reciprocation. It is so important to give to others what has been given to you. The need for wise counsel and unfailing love has been tremendous for me this year. The lack of it’s availability has been startling.
I’ve got so many questions- maybe you do too. Reality dictates I cannot possibly be the only one who thinks this way. Maybe I am finally brave enough to talk about it. Maybe it is a conversation we should have had a long time ago.
How do we build something which is so important to us when it seems unimportant to others?
At what point do we give up the hope of these kinds of relationships?
Do we pray for God to bless us with this type of community?
At the end of the day maybe God isn’t finished with my quiet time yet. Maybe he needs me to stay focused on the things I am working on within. Maybe he wants my heart prepared for something big, and this is how he prepares it. I am not sure about the future of the relationships I once had. I would love for them to reignite somehow, but they will be different because I am different and not everyone embraces change.
I want to continue talking about community and its importance. Please leave me a comment if you have questions or want to share your story about community. In the meantime, I will relish the relationship I have which never changes- Jesus’ friendship and never ending grace.
XOXO
