Are You the Weary Parent of a Graduate?
Emotions and confusion swirl around in my head like this is a terrible dream I will wake up from tomorrow. People come to our home sharing food, bringing gifts celebrating the life of our third child as if he is the only one who matters in this moment. It’s exhausting entertaining when I am so emotional. After everyone is gone and everything is cleaned up, I collapse on the couch. Tears are running down my face as I try to figure out how we got to this moment of awkward goodbye. This is not my first time experiencing this anguish, and I am certain I will never understand.
Overcoming the Struggle to Juggle
To the women who have those days.
You know what I’m talking about. The days you wake up and think “really?”. The days you know are going to be hard. You roll out of bed anyway- not having a choice. You are a mother, a wife, employee, and friend. You are the one they depend on when they need something. ALL of them. You are the one they come to when their diaper needs to be changed, when their heart is broken and when there is no more toilet paper. It’s all you baby; you are exhausted and at the end of your rope.
Being a woman, according to Genesis 2, means being a helper. To me, there is no other place I would rather be than by my husbands’ side, serving my family well, volunteering in some capacity or being a part of the team at work. But sometimes, enough already. Can I just have a few moments to, I don’t know, savor my life and everything I’ve been blessed with? Without the demands of being everything to everyone?
I know what you are thinking, we have chosen to be this way. We have chosen to take care of it all because it’s somehow easier. If you want something done right, do it yourself, right? I am here to tell you it doesn’t have to be like this. We do not have to be everything to everyone and lose ourselves in the process. Guess what? Jesus led multitudes of people, and even he took a break.
Wait, what?!
Confident & Amazing on the Outside- Not Enough on the Inside
Last month a friend posted an amazing reflection about the plight of women who are just too much of everything to others. Her name is Brianna, and her post can be found at her site Unveiled and Revealed here. Sometimes, we are too much for those in our lives. We are too outspoken, too liberal or too conservative. We are too compassionate, too passionate and too brave. All too often, while some of you think we are confident and secure, we are feeling like we aren’t even close to being enough for anyone.
There are many reasons for a woman to think she isn’t enough. Some of these things stem from the way a woman feels about herself personally. From her hair cut to her body image, physical attributes alone can be overwhelming contributing factors to this problem. Combine these with rejection and fear at work or in other areas, and you have a full-blown unworthy feeling mess standing before you.
These feelings of not measuring up start within, and are normally not anything others will notice. It’s when she hears that little annoying voice. The one which overrides everything good that speaks to her in the most critical moment. The voices of self-doubt, fear and security creep in, leaving little room for other more positive thoughts.
Then come the unpredictable cracks, slowly they grow and branch off.
- Her child gets in a fight at school- crack
- She misses a deadline at work- crack
- Her husband mentions a flaw- crack
- Her mom criticizes her choices- crack
- Her friend cancels a much-needed coffee date- crack
- A mentor responds to her self-editing choices- crack
As soon as these cracks branch off, her self-worth and confidence take a nose dive. The spiral can be so fast, most don’t see it coming until – BAM. She has broken wide open the size of the Grand Canyon and feels just awful. The tears rush like a waterfall, the sobs like earthquakes. She falls to her knees and she says “I quit”.
What in the world could possibly reduce a woman who is normally “too much” for most people to be reduced to a sobbing mess, unable to focus for even a minute? What could be the reason she is feeling so unworthy, unloved and broken? Why has this seemingly strong as steel lady fallen into a pit of emotional despair?
This woman before you transformed into a puddle of loneliness because many things have piled up on her. Her son got in a fight at school after he was rude to her that morning- she disciplined him harshly then dropped him at school. She missed her deadline at work because she was counseling a coworker due to an evolving domestic situation. She prayed with her instead of polishing her project and crunching numbers. Her husband’s off-hand remarks about her flaw hit her hard, making her self-conscious and taken by surprise. Her mother’s harsh criticism of her choices comes at a time when she misses her grandmother and could use a woman in the family to lean on. Her friend canceling coffee again assures her something is wrong between them. She feels slighted and unappreciated, an unimportant person. Lastly, her mentor condemns her actions harshly in a public forum of her peers, making her want to disappear forever from this group she clearly does not belong in.
It is painful to have one of these things happen once in a while- normally she would shake it off with prayer and bounce back, able to make better choices and lean in a little closer to Jesus. But lately they have bombarded her one right after the other, and in her quiet suffering she cries the lonely tears.
When she feels as if she is not enough, she feels alone. When she reaches out while feeling alone, she pulls back, out of fear of all those things she has been fighting. What she really needs is you.
She needs you to tell her she is enough. She needs to feel her worth rise a bit. She needs to be reminded Jesus stands in the gap for her, no matter who broadens the crack. She is looking for a phone call, a moment of your time, an apology. She may not ever ask for any of these things, yet she longs for them.
Feeling like she is not enough takes a toll on her heart. She wonders if she will ever stop second guessing herself and looking over her shoulder. Maybe she even thinks relationships cannot be salvaged, lost time not made up for. If no one ever comes to her to encourage her or make things right, it doesn’t matter. Jesus stands in the gap. And he is all she will ever need.
The Hard Truth About Grace
GRACE
ɡrās/
noun
- simple elegance or refinement of movement.
“she moved through the water with effortless grace”
synonyms: elegance, poise, gracefulness, finesse
- (in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.
verb
- do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one’s presence.
“she bowed out from the sport she has graced for two decades”
synonyms: dignify, distinguish, honor, favor
As defined, grace looks pretty simple. However, in digging a little bit deeper, practical applications and basic humanness prove it to be one of the toughest issues for Christian women. To give and receive grace is one big assignment. Yet it is also one of the most important things we can do not only for others but for ourselves.
Whether you are a single mom, married to your prince charming or living the single life, the need for grace in your life is real. As a woman, we can really make a mess of things. We don’t always make the best decision for everyone involved in a situation. We don’t always sit and “be still” as our savior has asked us to. Sometimes we are impulsive and emotional. Sometimes we are at our wits end. Some days we are feeling the crunch of life bear down on us and we just have to do something. On occasion, we just forget who we have in our corner and we try to do it all on our own. Being independent must include Christ. He is part of the package. This is a personal and intimate relationship which involves no one else except for you and him.
Society says we are to be loud, speaking up, lashing out. We are to publicly defend ourselves, shame others and rise to the top no matter the cost to anyone. Society says we can walk away from relationships to save face. We can pretend to be something we are not so others will like us and we can do it with no repercussions. Society also says women have to fight for justice, equality and everything else we want. It tries to dictate to us how we should react to wrongs. It says hurting one another is ok, if it makes us feel better about ourselves. Society also says it’s ok to justify the means. Society says to laugh at others who show weakness. It says we cannot cry or have a rough day. It says if we mess up, it’s over.
Jesus says differently.
Jesus says wait, be still. He says to turn the other cheek, hold our tongue, offer our cloak. He tells us to have patience, empathy, and love for those who wrong us. He tells us mercy rules and following mercy comes grace.
There it is again. Grace. So the question is, how do we overcome the hurts? How do we forgive and forget, and offer grace and mercy to those who confoundedly hurt us? How do we stand firm as Christian women without looking like a weak victim? How do we stand and be still when our hearts are full of despair and sometimes even rage? How is it we can get up in the morning and return to our communities, our churches, and our lives when everyone knows the wrongs and are expecting a retaliation? How do we show grace to someone who has crushed our spirit, when the inner turmoil is so great we can barely function?
“The free and unmerited favor” which God provides to us each time we break his heart we must learn to provide for them.
It sounds so simple, yet sorting through all the emotion and heartache makes it a muddy mess. It takes time to forgive. It takes more time to add grace into that equation. On occasion, it may take years. After much evaluation and even more prayer, we can begin the process by understanding the significance of bestowing grace. We may have to sit down and sort out the facts, the details, and the consequences. We may have to suffer some loss in the process. We may discover we had an actual part in the mess. Even if we deserved or didn’t deserve the hurtful action taken against us, we must find a way to let it go.
This is going to require showering ourselves with a little grace as well, and understanding we may never receive it from those we need it from. It is going to be hard, but it is going to be redemptive. In finding grace for ourselves, we will be able to serve some grace to others.
The Difference Between Being Silent and Being Still is Your Audience
Being still and being silent are two different things. Being still is just exactly what God needs us to do when we aren’t listening to him. Being silent is something we may choose instead of reacting right away. Silence is something that may come with grace and mercy. It also happens when we are just plain stupefied . Funny thing, silence. It sometimes tells you absolutely nothing, and sometimes it truly speaks a thousand words. There is something to be said about silence.
Silence as a tool is quite effective. When verbally attacked in any type of message, we have the ability to not respond. When general questions or commitments are asked of a group, not speaking up is an option. When we know our words will not best represent our heart- we can always opt for silence as our response.
Once in a while, it can be used as a way to end a conversation or accusation. When someone doesn’t like something you have said or done, even if it was in truth, they will likely speak up. Knowing we do not have to answer to someone when they are angry is a big relief. When using silence as a tool for self-preservation, we protect ourselves from the consequences of emotional reaction. We also allow ourselves to have some breathing room while we decide our next course of action. Most importantly, we enable ourselves the choice to walk away and just let it go. No response can be the very best response. It can save you heartache and confusion. By not speaking up during a crisis or heated situation, you may be able to buy yourself some much needed time to think and pray. When emotions run high and passion runs deep, our response to judgements, opinions and blame can be harsh. Responding off the cuff in any of these situations can unravel fast.
No response can be the very best response. It can save you heartache and confusion. By not speaking up during a crisis or heated situation, you may be able to buy yourself some much needed time to think and pray. When emotions run high and passion runs deep, our response to judgements, opinions and blame can be harsh. Responding off the cuff in any of these situations can unravel fast.
It can save you heartache and confusion. By not speaking up during a crisis or heated situation, you may be able to buy yourself some much needed time to think and pray. When emotions run high and passion runs deep, our response to judgements, opinions and blame can be harsh. Responding off the cuff in any of these situations can unravel fast.
By simply being quiet while someone else says their piece, we have the opportunity to listen. When you stop talking you can have your brain listen at 100% instead of preparing a weighty response. You may just be surprised at what you hear. Maybe the person speaking is upset about something else. There may be something going on in their life out of their control. What if their words are the culmination of other things that have gone wrong in their life?
It’s ok to take the silent road. It is acceptable to stand quietly while others create chaos and uncertainty. It is alright to take a moment for yourself to put pieces together and have a clear understanding. In any situation with family, friends or audience, the silent path is a good practice. Silence is proving to be golden after all.
The difference between silence with people and being still with God is your audience.
Being silent solves problems of the people communication variety.
Being still means to stop all action in a situation and just listen and wait for God to move you.
Sometimes, waiting on him is hard. We are a population of people who like to fix things quickly and get things checked off our list. We are so accustomed to running at a high rate of speed when we are asked to come to a stop it can be difficult to obey. Being still is all about obedience. There are a lot of things God can ask of us, this one is super important.
When our heart is in disarray, and our thoughts are scattered, we need to learn how to sit and focus on the things he whispers. There are things we miss by staying so busy with the things of this life. We have a lot of technology and about everything is on demand. Let’s face it, waiting is not our strength.
However, when we are prompted to do just that, we must do it well. Shutting off the technology noise is one way. (GASP, and BREATHE) I know how dependent we are. I have a cell phone with twenty-four-hour access to email, blog, social media and lots of other things I need to make my writing world go around. However, I do take a break from these things to just be still. Here is what being still looks like for me.
No radio, television or computer turned on. The phone plugged in somewhere I cannot hear it, and the washer and dryer taking a much-needed rest. The windows are open; I am home alone. I sit with a cup of coffee and just relax, relishing in the quiet moment I have worked hard to provide myself. I pray or nod off or just stare into space. I will admit, I do keep a pen and notebook close by, in case something he whispers needs to be recorded. Sometimes he speaks volumes to my heart. Normally there are tears for one reason or another. Once in a while, it is completely silent and I am provided rest.
Being still takes practice. It does not happen naturally the first time you try it. Getting into a habit of taking a moment for yourself to just be still will change your life for the better. Some use it to meditate, some use it to refresh their mind and soul. I use the still moments to reconnect with the father above, in the hopes of keeping myself in sync with the Holy Spirit and the path set before me.
Declaring Is Not Enough
When David was singing to God, he wasn’t always praying in praise. Sometimes he was distraught and angry, sending his complaints through his prayers. In Psalm 104, also known as a “Psalm of Lament”, David starts out by telling his Father exactly how he feels. God, of course, already knows this. He made David, and he knew David’s heart. When the Lord listened to David’s cry of concern over his absence, I am sure he wept. I am sure he never flinched when David accused him of being silent during his sin.
When the Lord listened to David’s cry of concern over his absence, I am sure he wept. I am sure he never flinched when David accused him of being silent during his sin.
God is never silent during our sin- we choose not to listen to him, but He is never silent. From the whitest lie to the deepest darkest pit, He knows our hearts and what we need. We must ask for him. We must listen when that still small voice calls us to stop, we must act when we are convicted in our gut to step forward and do the “right” thing. We always have a God who cares for us and loves us so much we cannot fathom it. Yet time and time again we consider him silent and take refuge in our heartache. We believe he is silent, when in fact, he is here holding and guiding us through it all.
At the end of Psalm 104, David takes a moment to praise his father for he knows what the truth is. His complaints are heard, and he isn’t being like a whiny child about it all. Maybe that is the difference. When we speak to the Lord in prayer or song, do we sound like the whiny child or the faithful servant who just needs to be heard? Do we come to our father with the intent of blaming him for our circumstance, or with the intent of asking for his guidance and blessing?
Complaints to God are not something we are expected to take lightly. He is the ultimate complaint department. He listens every time, and he really doesn’t interrupt. He created you, after all, so he already sees it coming. He is sitting on his throne waiting for you to ask him for what you need. Declaring is not enough, we must ask. Asking is key. And sharing our hearts with our Father is vital to moving forward to the next part of his plan for our life.
In The Morning
In the morning when I first wake up, I write 3 pages in a leather bound journal. I write my first thoughts of the day in either journal form or as a prayer. It helps me throughout the day if I get all of those first thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I know what you are thinking- how could that possibly be helpful? I can tell you. When I first wake up, I am not consciously thinking of all the things. I am still trying to figure out where I am. I am foggy at best. I reach over, turn on the light and grab the pen. I don’t even get out of bed first during the week- on the weekend, I bring it down to the table so I don’t wake up the husband. I flip the journal open and date the page at the top- then I start writing. Whatever comes to me, I put on paper. One day it’s a prayer, deeply seeded in my heart, and for my children. The next day it’s just some stuff I need to get off my chest, that I mostly didn’t even know was hiding out there. Sometimes it’s anger that shines on the paper. Self-worth, finances and my role as a Christian woman have also made an appearance.
The entire point is, we have no idea the scope of things we have tucked away into our thoughts and hearts if we don’t tap into them at some point. My morning writing has become a great therapy session for me to work through some things. It has actually helped me bring clarity to a few things which were quite foggy. It has brought closure to a couple things I was hanging onto on the inside. And it has given me a safe place where no one can interject their thoughts, actions or perspectives.
When I write my morning journal as a prayer, I can write much more than the 3 pages I require of myself. I choose not to do this, but I could. The things I pray about when the pen is flowing are surprisingly different than the things I pray about when I meditate. I am more involved in the prayer. It is on paper- I can see it. When I see what I pray for, I am much more focused than when I pray out loud. I am less apt to get distracted and more focused on the prayer I am offering up.
Writing in the morning has always been a goal, but I never was good at implementing it. Now I set the alarm and at 5:30 I roll over and start. It’s now part of my routine. It wasn’t my idea either. There is a fantastic book about the impact of Morning Pages. It has seriously changed my life as I know it. The Miracle of Morning Pages by Julie Cameron is the best prompt I have read to get myself moving on the morning writing. It is part of her previous work The Artists Way, and I highly recommend it.
I would like to challenge you to get a copy of this book and read it, implement it for 30 days. There are things locked up inside you which would love to break free. If you aren’t a writer, good news! You don’t have to be. Everyone needs a place to express themselves privately, in their own time and with their own words- untouched by anyone else. This is a good place to start.
What to say when you don’t know what to say…
SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPEALIDOCIOUS….
Its what you say when you don’t know what to say!
Right?!
When my kids were young, they loved Mary Poppins. I too loved the classic, and learned fast that the nearly three hour movie could quickly turn into a long afternoon nap for all of us if played right after lunch . There are other films my children enjoyed at this critical time of day, but this one was the most requested. Each time I would wonder about that infamous song.
Mary all dressed up after winning an impromptu race that started out as a fox hunt.
The children, Jane and Michael, so excited when she gets an interview.
Bert just smiling and singing along.
And when the rain comes, they pop out of the sidewalk chalk like daisies in the spring, and get on their way home to dry off and get set for bed with a Spoonful of Sugar.
If only it were this easy.
I mean, a spoonful of sugar, really?
(I must interject and agree that the rum-punch flavor Mary indulged in was probably best- not a big fan of cherry flavored cold medicine.)
However, when I am in spot and I don’t know what to say, this huge word is enough to make me forget what I was trying to say in the first place. It has saved my tail on more than one occasion, and I am glad to have known it all these years. It does occur to me, however, that I could be using the wrong word.
What?
What did I just admit?
I am using the wrong word?
Oh My.
Let me explain. When I have an argument with my husband (whether he knows we are arguing or not), sometimes I just do not know what to say. I can say what I feel, think or have an opinion of, but that doesn’t magically make him agree with me, understand me or keep him from running from the topic at hand.
If there is an issue with a friend, at work or with the kids, I do not always have the right answers. Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious just doesn’t always work. Its great for some things, not so great for those most important relationship things. Not so great for those moments that define us and our relationships with others.
Then the only other word I am left with is Jesus. There is a popular Christian song that says:
” When you don’t know what to say,
Just say Jesus.
There is power in the name,
The name of Jesus.”
-7th Time Down
(you can listen here )
Can you imagine it was here all along?
To call on the most powerful name ever, added bonus- its easy to spell and pronounce.
Simple letters, simple truths.
When you don’t know what to say when your husband just doesn’t get it- say Jesus.
When you don’t know what to say to the friend making a super-bad choice- say Jesus. When you don’t know what to say to a distraught child- say Jesus.
When you are feeling a little more than a little lost and confused- Jesus.
When you don’t know what to say, just say Jesus.
Praying for saying Jesus when I just don’t know what to say.
Unconditional Love: Ruth
Ruth 1:16.
“But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t urge me to leave you, or to turn back from you. Where you go, I will go and where you stay I will stay.Your people will be my people, and your God my God.”
I want to be the kind of mother in law my daughter in law would stick with.
I know it sounds silly- but when you read the story of Ruth, you have to be in awe about her commitment to her mother in law. Naomi was a widow. She had lost both of her sons. Essentially, sticking with her was not the culturally practical thing to do. Ruth had options- she wasn’t too old to remarry. She wasn’t obligated to Naomi- yet she stayed. She made her own decision and stuck with her, even sacrificing herself to work so Naomi didn’t have to. She put herself out there in honor of her mother in law. She embraced her as a friend. She truly loved her unconditionally. And she ended up blessed beyond what she had ever imagined.
To love someone unconditionally is a big order. Unconditionally means without condition. It means there is nothing you could ever do to make someone love you less. NOTHING. Regardless of what happens, what is said or actions taken, unconditional love supersedes everything else, without exception. I think it would be really hard to love someone in this way if they weren’t even related to you.
Loving unconditionally would mean putting everything that had ever happened- ever- aside and moving forward like nothing ever happened. Just like Jesus when we turn ourselves over to him, submitting ourselves and inviting the Holy Spirit in. I love this story- it speaks of redemption and truth on such a level to me.
It makes me strive to be for my daughter in law someone I would like to have for myself. I want to respect her, and accept her for who she is, and I want her to do that for me in return. It is hard sometimes, with the world pressing in. One thing is for certain- I will continue to read and absorb all Ruth has done for Naomi, and Naomi’s reaction to her.
The challenge is unconditional love- what can we do in our everyday lives to continue the theme of unconditional love for those around us? How can we love our in laws better? What are some personal steps we can take to ensure our relationships are led with unconditional love?
The Revolving Seasons
Ecclesiastes 3:1
“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.”
When the sun rises over the horizon, I can feel the promise of a new day. When the moon rises in the evening, I am comforted by the realization the stars are all in their exact place in the bright night sky, and morning will too soon follow. I love when the seasons change, when the wind blows from a different direction, and everything moves into the next part of life.
I love to walk around our property and see all the changes each new season brings. Right now, things are really beginning to wake up. Budding trees, plants popping through the top layer of soil and baby birds ready to hatch. This week the farmer was discing around the edges of the field, preparing it for planting. The bees are busy visiting every little bloom they find, while supporting the hives and storing up food for the next winter. The cats sunbathe on the warm patio, and the pansies are adding some color to our landscape while we wait for warmer days.
The transition is not seamless- we still have frosty nights that may kill a few tender plants. We still have spring rain to endure, which will wipe out a lot of seedlings, and promote weeds to grow. There will be crazy thunderstorms, wind and hail before things calm into summer. Nothing happens perfectly, and no season of change comes without the price of transition.
This price of transition translates into growth. Like a seedling, we must endure change and accept our environment to a certain degree. There isn’t a lot about our lives we can control. There are things we can do about our own personal choices. When we figure out we can change our lives and those of the ones around us it certainly is empowering. We cannot change the seasons we are in, but we can change how we react to them, and how we allow them to change us.
While I welcome spring fully, the promise of summer is enticing. I know in my heart fall will roll around, and eventually the winter will blow in with fury. The system will continue to start over and replay itself, like a never ending record of events. We will continue making our best decisions, and reacting the best ways we know how to these changes. We will continue to pray and worship, while blessings are showered upon us like the rain and snow that inevitably will fall.
Regardless of the season of life you are in, let us make the decision to slow down and soak it up, reacting well to all life has to offer us. Let us rejoice in gladness the things that make us smile, and pray fervently over those that break our hearts. And let us always look forward to the next season, which is always just around the corner.
