Knowing When to “Hold ‘Em”
When I asked my hubs for his best marital advice to give a newlywed, he said this:
“You gotta know when to hold em,
Know when to fold em.
Know when to walk away,
Know when to run.”
Ok then. I love him.
I guess all of the above are true statements when it comes to the marriage relationship.
Know when to hold em…
Communication is such a vital element in our marriage. Knowing when to hold information for more delicate delivery can be a key factor. Knowing what information to deliver at all can also be important. My spouse doesn’t always need to hear every detail of every minute of every day. Sometimes, what my spouse needs is to know my day was either good or bad, and now we move on to us, leaving work and social issues at bay. I like to share with him things that on the grand scale just don’t matter much. Often I am misinterpreting the question. He is so good and patient at just listening, but as the years have passed us by, I can tell when he is all done with this story. So my goals have been to have engaging conversations about whatever topics come along instead of the minute details of a day.
Knowing when to stop talking and just hold your spouse is another communication tool that says “I’m here for whatever you need with no words, just arms”. As a woman, sometimes what I need is for everyone to shut up stop talking to me, telling me how I need to do something, or why I should be doing it. Once in a while, I would like to just say what is on my mind without a declaration of therapy from my husband, and that is exactly what I get. And a Hershey bar with almonds and coke for my own therapeutic purposes.
Being held is something our heavenly Father wants to do for us as well. Within our marriage, there have been times when we just didn’t have the capacity to actually be helpful in a situation. There have been circumstances out of our control which have prevented us from doing- well- anything but holding the other. That is when the Father above takes a hold of us and soothes our soul. He knows just when we need held by someone other than our spouse, and it is his place alone to fill that need. On the rare occasion that I cannot find the words, I know my husband can depend on the Father to give us the answer he needs us to have in any situation.
As a couple, being devoted to God is the only devotion that outranks one another. We have learned from the beginning when we put him first, we can then focus on our marriage, and hopefully bring a testimony to others who want a lifelong commitment in a world of disposable relationships and rushed mistakes. We have learned when to “hold em”, so to speak, and we have learned when we are dealt a bad or strange hand, we can hold em together.
Join me next time for “Know when to Fold em”
“No” is the new “Yes”
When listening to some friends talk about their “New Years Resolutions”, I was struck at the amount of cynicism the conversation held. I couldn’t resist- I had to ask the obvious question….
If you know you’re going to break a resolution, its just a matter of time, then why make them at all?!
Hmmmm……Then my wheels started turning. If I were to make one promise to myself this year, it would be to be more intentional. Being more intentional includes doing things at 100% of my ability, instead of trying to do them all at half or less. It seemed to be a no brainer for me, even though my audience did not understand how I could possibly say no to some things.
It is simple, really. We all have things we do because we feel obligated to do them. The guilt of saying no to being a homeroom mom, the worry that someone will think I do not care about my church for not going on the meals commitee. The long list of demands placed on each of us each week to perform, volunteer, organize and represent. But wait! What if I decided to represent a few things really well, instead of a lot of things part way? For me, the top things torefuse are simple.
1- I will not schedule “stuff” into the white space I have so carefully carved out on my calendar.
2- I will not take on a project or make a commitment that over extends my physical well being.
3-I will not speak for or commit my husband, family or myself for anything with out conversation and unwavering approval first.
4-I will cut back on my subscriptions in mail and email, and set up a study guide for myself to stick with so my reading and studying is not overloading me.
5- I am not going to be afraid to say “No” in 2016.
Saying “NO” to some things can mean saying “YES” to other more important, intentional things. I want to see my grandchildren, but I also cannot watch them everyday. I want to be involved with worship and praise, but I do not want to be on a leadership team. I want to write, but I am sticking with the few projects I am already committed to. I am losing weight and eating healthier, but I am not starting a program to accomplish it. I am building a new chicken house, but I am not changing the original plan to make it cute like in magazines.
I need to simplify a few things in my personal life in order to give 100% and be intentional on the things that matter to me the most.
What are some things you can say “No” to this year, in order to say a more intentional “Yes”?
Gratitude as a Gift
Gratitude.
By definition, it is “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and return kindness”
By heart, it is something that can make you soar with joy, and as quickly throw you into the depths of agony.
I Thess 5:16-18 says
“Be joyful always,
Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.”
During this busy season, we encounter many things. Greed, wish lists, sales, parties, dinners and many, many more things pull us in all directions. We hear cliche’s like “Jesus is the reason for the Season”, and “Keep the Christ in Christmas”, but do we really understand the meaning of this time of year? It can be the best and worst times for many who pour their heart out to the very people they love most, and in return receive either the joy of gratitude from their gifts, or the ingratitude of selfishness.
So how do we, as the givers of many things, overcome the detail of ingratitude? We find joy in the areas that give us joy, and we try to smile through hurt feelings as we watch the ones we love open gifts and spend time together as family and friends. We remember that Jesus IS the reason for this season, and that with out Christ, there is no Christmas. We pray for the hearts of some to be softened, and we pray for our own to be protected.
Even though what I am inclined to do is return every single hard sought out gift and buy my husband and I a new bed, I will stay the course and find another way to teach about gratitude.
Most of all this Christmas Eve, I want to remind myself that the birth of my savior was such a humble beginning, and his parents knew what his future held, yet they still taught him to walk, run, be grateful and love. They had the Christ-child to raise, and he was a huge responsibility for them. The challenges I face are mild in comparison. When challenged with the craziness of this season, I will thank God for the promise of another day coming, where I will never experience this again.
And pour myself another cup of coffee, with gratitude.
The Santa Lie…and that other guy.
When I was young, I believed in Santa.
Not in the way that most kids did. I new there was a story behind the big fat elf, and I knew the various versions of it all led back to one thing- mostly belief in something I couldn’t see. I knew it was my parents for the most part, and I figured it out at a young age. I didn’t blow it for the other kids I knew who still believed. I just went along with it.
As parents, my husband and I played the Santa game, too. Our kids had a gift from the jolly guy, and we put our names on the rest, so they knew mom and dad cared, and it was important to us to give to them. Once they were older, and they figured it out, they too kept the secret for the sake of others, and managed to keep the spirit of the big guy alive in our home and family
When the annoying elf came along, I was seriously appalled. Parents wanted to “get away from the Santa lie”. Because moving an 8″ doll around every night for a month and being creative about it is a better lie? The only thing he has been teaching kids is to be good so he doesn’t have to tell on them, for a short period of time during “the season”. Once Christmas is over- they can go back to being their regular selves. Not to mention the added pressure of keeping up with one more thing for over stressed parents. This elf, in either male or female form, will never replace Santa. He just doesn’t have it in him, and I think he’s kinda a jerk for being a tattletale.
The things I learned from my Santa experience were such good foundations for the rest of my life.
How to have faith in something I couldn’t see. I learned how to have a little, and give a lot. I was taught to patiently (?) wait for something, and to have a certain expectation of a love wrapped morning on Christmas day. It was never about the gifts, the wrapping paper or the bows. It was always about building up our faith, our love and our family memories.
Santa was in every mall, yet he was also at the North Pole. He was an all knowing, everywhere, sacrificial elf, making childrens dreams come true and helping parents reach a special place in their childs heart that may have been unreachable during the normal hustle and bustle of the rest of the year. He was a great way to start a conversation with a stranger, and a recognizable figure in most households, whether they believed or not. He continues to be a symbol of Christmas joy and cheer, and his smiling face and jovial laugh are always a welcome sight in the busy moments of the season.
The best part of Santa and playing that game? It continues today with our adult children, and our grand-babies. Our kids still get a ‘Santa gift”, our grand-babies are starting to get old enough to be taught all those virtues, and Santa will once again open the door to a place in someones heart that is only reachable this month. Using Santa to teach about Jesus is such an incredible gift. We can take all of those cool things he stands for, and teach our next generation about faith in God. We can teach them about baby Jesus and his grand entrance, we can teach them about sacrifice, giving to others and unconditional love.
The best part of the Santa lie- we can use our powers for good. We can use the power of Santa and his goodness to convey the love of Christ to someone this season. As for that little elf? I’d love to see him left on his shelf, right where he belongs.
Be the Christ in Christmas
Keeping the Christ in Christmas is not the only important thing to remember this holiday season.
Gasp. I really just said that.
For Christians everywhere, it tends to get frustrating to see our traditional celebrations cut down or out in the public arena. I have a different perspective on this. I feel, instead of a dialogue of disappointment and distrust, we should be using this conversation as a reason to speak truth. Jesus is probably not worried about the courthouse having no decorated tree this year, or the monument of the ten commandments being removed from the lawn. Jesus also is probably not interested in His children fighting over the design of an over priced coffee cup or which restaurant is closed on Sunday, making it really inconvenient for hungry shoppers. No where in the Bible does it say the times will ever be easy for Christians on this earth.
We are to be prepared for persecution at any level. We are forewarned about not only the large things, like mass killings and martyrdom, but we are also warned about the little things that just get under our skin.
If we are so worried about all of these crazy things, why not put them up in our own homes? How about a monument of the ten commandments in my tropical garden? How about decorating my giant spruce tree in the front yard, for all to see? How about a reusable coffee cup, with a – get ready- real life spiritual message on it?
Or even better.
How about I give the homeless man on the way to work a backpack with socks, bottled water and toiletries? How about I drop off some dinner to the single mom who is working overtime to get gifts for her kids? How about I spend my energy praying for the men and women who put their lives into protecting ours? How about I write a message of hope and encouragement to all of you, instead of taking a stand against the machines that keep running, regardless of how much we complain?
Jesus walked where people needed Him, and He didn’t fight the machine as much as He was an example for it. He didn’t spend His time arguing- He spent His time teaching about grace, mercy and love. He spent His time choosing to find redemptive qualities in the most lost of sinners. He spent His healing powers on the hearts and bodies of men and women we would never consider worthy.
Yet we are worried about the disposable cup that will land in the trash as soon as our over priced coffee is gone?
This holiday season, regardless of how you celebrate, I would challenge you to speak truth for hope, mercy and grace. Look for the redemptive qualities in everyone- we all have them because we are all children of God. Find something good to talk about, find something positively Christian to post on social media. Ditch the complaints and the fight about things that don’t need to be sorted out. Instead choose to be impactful, in a loving, Jesus like way.
Instead of fighting for the Christ to be kept in Christmas, Be the Christ in Christmas.
Your Gifts: Are you Gifting or Giving?
When Christmas is upon us, and I start making a list of things I would like to purchase for my family and friends, I take it very seriously. I spend a lot of time picking out the perfect gift for every person. I have a budget, but I am more worried about making a perfect match. I listen very carefully during the year to all of those wants, and I also watch out for some needs. I basically treat each person as an individual, and I try really hard to make them smile with delight on Christmas . Its just what I do. I have always thought when I buy a gift for someone, it should be based on them, what I know and what they love.
I have been on the receiving end of gifting weirdness, awkward presents and just plain ridiculousness. I have seen the looks on the faces of those who are delighted, and those who are disappointed. I’ve also seen the look of sadness when someone figures out the person they love just doesn’t really care. Some of the best gifting moments came from the smallest seemingly insignificant things; and some of the worst came from some really crazy items purchased for the sake of gifting rather than giving.
There is a difference between gifting and giving- Gifting is just purchasing something random for the sake of having a gift for someone. Giving comes from the heart, well thought out or done in sacrifice out of love and respect for another. Money is not an issue with giving- its about the heart.
Here are a few examples of some gifting fails I have witnessed-
My husband received tube socks- only tube socks. Awkward moment for us all.
I received a re-gifted item I had previously purchased- still in its original wrapping paper.
I saw some kids open wallets one year. Empty velcro wallets. The expectation was for something more, because the other kids got more. It was a hard lesson for all of us.
I try really hard to give of myself in other areas, so when I purchase Christmas gifts, I do the same. I have a list, make a plan and stay flexible. Just when I think I have it figured out something ungrateful happens. It can come in the form of a comment, a conversation with another person or a social media post. People I love, making demands about what they “want” or “don’t want” for Christmas, their birthday or otherwise. It unnerves me and leaves me feeling frazzled and hurt. I feel there is no need to put out a here’s-what-I-don’t-want-list. Maybe it is just me being over sensitive, but I take my giving very seriously. And I take demanding specific items not be given as an insult to those of us who know and love the people we purchase for. What happened to manners, humbly receiving gifts and saying a thank you filled with gratitude?
We live in a world of instant gratification- we do not know how to save up for a large purchase- we 90-day-same-as-cash purchase it, hoping we can cover the payments. We see something and put off paying our credit card to make another purchase. We break things quickly instead of taking care of them, and we just purchase a new one, because everything is considered disposable. People are not to be treated as such.
To wrap up- I just want to say this- when the people who love you give you a gift, even if its just tube socks- we say thank you, wrap our hug around the giver and smile through our hurt feelings, because in this house, we know how to give rather than gift, and we know how to receive out of humility and gratitude, rather than make demands abut what we will not accept.
I hope this provokes thoughtful conversations, and reminds us all what this season stands for- giving of a gift, and ourselves selflessly and in love.
Christian Mean Girls
We have all seen it happen. Maybe we have been on the receiving end of it, maybe we were the perpetrator. That moment when a “good Christian woman” turns into a mean girl. It happens to everyone in some capacity or another. First it’s a look, then maybe a snarky comment or stare. It escalates quickly and cannot be stopped easily. It becomes a fast tornado of words, emotions and hurt feelings. Some of us are scarred forever because of our mean girl encounters.
When I was graduating high school, I was glad to finally be out of the realm of the bullies who caused me great pain day in and day out. I never was physically bullied, but I was emotionally pushed around for years. It also started with a look, then a comment. And once they knew they got under my skin, there they stayed. Mean Girls. I very naively thought once I graduated there would be no more of this. Well, at least in High school they had to be sneaky. As an adult, Mean Girls are everywhere, and they are ruthless. The worst ones I have encountered are the ones who claim to be Christian women, and are part of my church, and community..
I watched on a missions trip as a group of friends treated a member of their own circle as an outcast. They made plans without her, shushed each other as she approached and went as far as leaving her behind during a planned outing. They were super sneaky- except she knew all about it. She knew she was being left out. She knew about their plans for when the group returned home. She knew they had no intention of including her as a “part” of the group. Yet, she still returned to them, week after week, month after month. She knows they are excluding her intentionally, but she craves the camaraderie so much, she hangs in there.
I sat in the same mission a year later, and listened as someone degraded and busted up my husband and me as leaders. I watched the events unfold like a fine cloth, no tears, no seams, and no wrinkles. The information was put out in half-truths, quietly and indirectly at times. The comments, the “concerns” over our ability to lead, our genuine Love for Christ questioned. They spilled over into our daily lives, consuming me so very much, making me feel like I am not worthy of the direction God had put into motion, planted into my heart. The seeds of self-doubt were now sown into my life fabric, and I do not know if I can ever serve in that capacity again.
More recently, my inner circle of friends was told they needed to “do something with their friend”, based on the opinion of someone who doesn’t even know me. It was a mean thing to do to my inner circle, expecting them to “do something”, when they all knew the truth that she just never inquired about. My leadership and self-worth once again lost in the paralyzing fear of not being enough for those I long to serve. It was devastating when I thought it was my job to be worried about what others thought of me. It left me with thoughts of insecurity and self-doubt that I still have a hard time shaking.
I have been the victim of the mean girls of Christianity for a long time. The whispers. The nudges, sideways glances and snickers. The judgment over how my children behave, adult or not. The looks in the grocery store because I have been crying. The being intentionally left out of opportunities to serve because I don’t “fit in.” The sarcastic comments when I don’t know what to say or how to react to someone. The pretending to be my close friend in front of people and treating me like your doormat when no one is looking. The being ignored, disregarded and disrespected.
It is a lot of fun being on the receiving end.
**Insert Sarcasm**
There is no room for Mean Girls in my life. There just isn’t. There is no room for them in the church. Unfortunately for those of us on the receiving end, they just continue to get away with it. No one ever calls them out. I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would want to be friends with someone who behaves in such a fashion. I cannot understand what kind of thrill is provided in being mean to another woman. These are our sisters! These women are dealing with the same things over and over- parenting issues, spouse issues, work issues- the list is never ending. We are supposed to be lifting our sisters up- and instead some are spending their time tearing the last few threads that are holding others together until there is nothing left. It takes a lot of work to be a mean girl- it takes only a two second conversation to be her friend. The words “How can I serve you?” come to mind every single time. When she cries- you hold her hand silently. When she looks afraid, you comfort her. When she is hungry you feed her. When she is lonely you invite her to dinner. When she is emotional you ask her what she needs. When she is angry or hurt you help her overcome, instead of insisting that someone else “do something”. If you cannot do any of these things for whatever reason, you pray and walk away in quiet, not saying anything at all, to anyone else in judgment or otherwise.
As women we have lost our way with one another. We are judgmental, we are vicious, and we are Pharisees. We need to stop being something Jesus wouldn’t approve of and start being the compassionate, loving, moving servants He created us to be.
It Can Be Well, With Your Soul
“It is well, With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.”
-Horatio G. Spafford
Things aren’t always well with our souls. We feel burdened as parents, spouses, children and friends. We feel the crunch of making decisions that can effect only ourselves, or ripple out and effect countless others. Our choices have consequences whether seen now or sometime in the future. But our souls…Oh our souls.
When our children grow into adults, a little piece of our soul that became theirs at birth breaks off and goes with them. When our children at home are going through something hard, our soul weeps for their journey. When our spouses feel the crunchy feelings they are bombarded with and emotions are running hard, our souls feel cut and pierced. When we spend all our time working hard and spending countless efforts with a job or event, and it doesn’t go quite the way we expect, it stings our soul. When people crush our spirits by being judgmental, our soul just hurts.
Remembering the lyrics to this song is one way to remind ourselves that our soul belongs to The Creator of The Universe. The Creator. The one and only. He holds our soul in his arms like a newborn baby. Our helpless soul He has filled with wonder, yearning and emotion. He takes it to the highest places and holds it during the lowest lows. Our soul is our life after life- it is the very center of our being. Our entire existence is based on having a soul that is protected by the One who created it.
Having a relationship with The Creator of The Universe continues to nourish our soul and provides us with a peace like no other. When things are seemingly going awry, our inner soul can be just as smooth as silk if we allow Him to cover us with his protective hands. When the world is screaming, we can always turn inward to our Comforter and know that regardless of this current chaos, he is in control of all things. One thing we forget as humans, our soul needs repaired, fed and polished once in a while. It needs rest, nurturing and quiet too. When you take the time for “yourself”, take the time to renew the soul within. It is who you are, and it is who you will always be.
In order for things to be “well” with our soul we must make a daily, sometimes hourly, commitment to converse with Him. Some days will just be harder than others- that is a biblical truth. Some days will find us rejoicing and some will find us mourning. Regardless of where we land in between, we must find a way every day to communicate our lives to our Creator, to let Him know where we are, how we feel, what we need and to ask for mercy, grace and forgiveness when we fall short. He expects nothing from us but what we are capable of, and our commitment to Him and His plan. When our souls yearn for comfort and peace, it is awesome to know our Father has it covered, we need only ask. Pamper your soul during all of the seasons of your life, so that we may all be able to say, “It is well with my soul”.
Wise Words From a (nearly) Empty Nest
A Guest Post from September….
That’s it, it is over.
Our kids are grown. They are all leaving soon.
My heart is full of pride, and shadowed with brokenness. How will hubs and I survive after they all leave? Maybe I don’t want an empty nest! I can’t believe I am saying this.
It seems like yesterday I was replacing the glass in the window the youngest ran his foot through because he was running across the back of the couch playing Spiderman.
Wasn’t it only a moment ago I holding my girls’ hand as she got ready for her first dance with her daddy? Then BAM – in a flash I was holding her hand before her wedding.
Continue Reading Here at my friends blog.
Public or Private?
With recent events in my life unfolding I have taken a step back to really evaluate myself and what people see in me. I have to admit, I have my flaws. I can only be responsible for myself, and in the end that is all that is expected of me. One conversation which seems to be coming up each time this can of worms is open catches me by surprise. Do you live two separate lives?
Stick with me a moment, and embrace this idea. I am one of those people who sighs with relief when I pull into my driveway, get of my car and can walk in my house.
Home.
It’s where I can let down my hair, be my most vulnerable self, and let my guard down. It’s where I wear my favorite jeans, t-shirts and mismatched socks. I can go with or without makeup. I can cry. I have books all around, my bible lays open in the last place I read it and my last coffee cup isn’t too far from it. I sit on the couch and read, watch some television that is pure junk or go outside and play in the garden. There are chores, but there are also visitors, phone calls, emails and letters to address. I might even run to the store for a soda and some chocolate.
Wait.
There it is.
I might even run to the store….what does this mean? Do I change my clothes, put on makeup, and change my attitude, appearance or some other factor? DO I shut off the tv, change the channel or lock the dvr list so no one knows what I was watching? Do I need to put on my public face because it is different than my private one? Do I need to change some facet of who I am at home into who I am in the public eye?
I do not. With me, what you see is what you get. Literally, and unfortunately sometimes.
The amount of people who are completely different in their public life than their private life is startling to me. I just have never understood exhausting myself to put on a show that is based on a lie- something I am not. I would much rather have a genuine article in a person than the washed up and shiny, sparkling idea they want me to see. Why don’t we value ourselves as much as we value what others think of us?
Valuing myself means I am going to be the best I can be, and for me it is only Gods judgment I am concerned with. I won’t give you part of me you aren’t ready for, however- I won’t give you something which isn’t part of me either. I’m not going to sugar coat the fact that I watch television that may be deemed inappropriate by some. I wake up every morning and drink entirely too much coffee. I am a terrible housekeeper- but I would love to be super organized. I write a lot, I read a lot and I listen to my music in a loud fashion. I yell sometimes, I cry always. I am not very good with money, but I am working toward being a better steward. My shirts are wrinkled. My clothes probably need replaced. My socks rarely match. I burn the popcorn. My gardens need weeded, my laundry needs folded and my current projects are piled on the dining room table with a months’ worth of junk-mail. When you drop by, call to say you’re coming over or plan weeks in advance, chances are, you will see all of these things about me and more. It’s pretty real here.
When I go to church, I see some of the most down to earth people I have ever known. They are the genuine article, full of love, grace and mercy. Always shining Jesus, even in a situation that is not optimal, their light still shines. It reflects in their homes, it reflects at their job. They are the same in the grocery store, the church pew and the ball field. Real, authentic and refreshing. I also see some of the biggest shows on the face of the planet. There are people walking around with so much fear of what people will think- they actually are a completely different person when not in the comfort of their own home. I have heard it described as a control issue or as a privacy issue. Either way, if you are that worried about what others think of you- then maybe you should be worried about what God thinks as well? I am not sure He intends for us to live separate lives- He expects us to be an example, to live simply and fully in Him, even at the risk of people “knowing” things about us that are not perfect. Humility and honesty go hand in hand, along with sincerity and compassion, grace and mercy. If we, as Christians are going to live like Jesus, and expect others to believe it, then mustn’t we embrace our private life and just be real? And if we, as Christians are worried about other people “seeing” or true private life, then maybe we aren’t as real as we would like to think.
Which life do you live?
Are you all in, or do you have both a private and public life?
