My Grandma
Last Monday, I stood with members of my family and held my grandmas hand as she took her last breath and passed on to a much much better place.
My facebook page and cell phone quickly filled with messages of condolence and sorrow, and most people who ran into me over the past week have expressed their apologies at my loss. (thank you all so much)
My Grandma was an amazing woman and lived a long amazing life. She turned 97 on March 25 of this year. She and my Grandfather had 7 children, including my dad , his brother and 5 sisters. They are an impossible group of people- so diverse and so tough and such an impact on my life. My Aunt took my grandma in a few years ago after the thief called dementia was discovered. Grandma had a suite at my aunts house- better than at most apartments or hotels. She had her cat Buddy and all of things that she needed to feel like it was home. I could never express how grateful I have always been to this youngest daughter – taking in her mother and caring for her the way she did. Her siblings took on the burden of filling in so she could go places, and her husband has been amazing just supporting it all.
This is what family is supposed to look like all the time.
Generous with their time and resources. Loving even when you do not deserve it. Helpful when you don’t ask for it, and supportive when you struggle. And when you come to a time in your life when you cannot possibly do it on your own, they will take you in and treasure you until the very end.
( side note-When I spend time reflecting on my Grandmother and her life and the people she touched, it makes me think of my church family and how much time we really spend looking out for one another on this earth. After all, isn’t this for the most part our eternal family? One would like to think so . Then why don’t we act like it? Our church family should be the ones we can depend on no matter what. Yet I find when I am alone and hurting, they are the last people I want to share with because I do not want their judgement. How unlike the teaching of Jesus! )
As I sat in the church that day during the funeral, we were all given the opportunity to speak- to say something about our Grandmother, mother and friend. My mother gave a lovely tribute to her as her mother in law, and spoke for the rest of the in-laws about her never ending grace, love and hope. I decided to go ahead and read what I had written, and started up the stairs.
“At some point last weekend some of us were talking about the things Grandma gave us. It was determined our collective arthritis could be contributed to her. For me personally it was the love of plants, growing things and creating garden spaces for my family and others to enjoy. These past few days I’ve had the time to reflect on some of the other things Grandma has given us. I realized then just how much she reflected the life and love of Christ.
In Matthew 25:31-40 it says:
“When the Son of Man comes in his Glory and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. ALL nations will be gathered before him and he will separate the people from one another as a Shepard separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep to his right and the goats to his left.
Then the King will say to those who are on his right “Come you who are blessed by my father; take your inheritance the kingdom, prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”
Then the Righteous will answer him “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in? Or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go visit you?”
The King will reply “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”
These are the things I witnessed my Grandmother do for me, my family and all of you. For me she will always be a shining example of Jesus Christ and I am so Thankful she is at his table now, sitting to the right.”
As I walked away I was really glad I didn’t follow my 8 year old niece, who expressed her love for grandma and brought the house down. She also announced she is officially #72 in
the family lineup . She is such a blessing.
I think I have a shocking response to those who are not believers when they tell me how sorry they are about my grandmother, because I am not sorry at all. I watched her lose her memory over the past few years. I watched her lay in her bed unwilling to move over the last few months, just passing time waiting for Jesus to take her home. My Grandmother is not alone, and she is full of memories. She has a new body that will not fail her. She has a new robe and a new life that will last forever and ever. She has my grandpa and my cousins, my aunt and my grandchild all to take care of in her perfect Grandma style. My sadness is a personal and selfish one. My happiness and peace comes from knowing she is with Jesus, right where she wanted to be.
I know she loves me, as I love her.
See you soon Grandma, for this earth is quick to pass and heaven is eternal and it awaits us all if we choose it.
the storm
The storm in our part of the country in the last few weeks has nothing on the storm in my heart…
Being the mother of 4 children, I can tell you I have experienced more levels of emotions than anyone ever could have prepared me for . My husband and I have spent countless hours nurturing their hearts, changing their diapers, band-aiding their boo-boos, and taking them for ice cream when their hearts were broken. We have spent time in the emergency room, parent teacher conferences, church trips, vacations, sports, birthday parties and picking up from friends houses. We have spent countless amounts of money on shoes,clothing, fast food, video games, vacations, potato chips and soda. We have replaced furniture,carpet, electronics and appliances. We have sacrificed friendships and endured hardships for the sake of our family.
And now that our children are grown and moving out on their own, I wish I could do it all over again. I would say things to them that I never said, I would change the things I didn’t act on immediately and I would have read the bible to them more. I would never miss a Sunday of church, and church camp would have been mandatory. There would be no tv in every room, no video games or cable access 24-7. There would be college funds, car funds and insurance funds. There would be more vegetables.
I cannot go back and do it all over again, and I think my children are going to survive. I know parents always say they want more for their kids than they had- but is that really such a good idea? We have 5 working tvs in this house, two Kindles, Three lap tops and a desktop, 3 working video game systems, 2 televisions with satellite access, and not one bookshelf.
(We use the library, and the Kindles, so technically we do read. Well, some of us read. Some of us – just don’t.)
Instead of beating my self up about my children and my failures- as I see them- as a parent, maybe I should be grateful they are all healthy, alive and independent. Maybe I should just ask God to bless them and intercede on their behalf because I am their mother and I love them. Maybe I should stop comparing myself to those other moms who feed their kids organic carrots and have never visited a fast food restaurant for dinner. Maybe I should learn from Martha when she was preparing for a visit from Jesus instead of focusing on him. After all, if I had done that all along, maybe I wouldn’t have those guilty regrets in the first place.
I do not want to discourage mommas who are having moments of being overwhelmed and trying to get it all done. But I will say this- when you are sitting where I am sitting, and two of your babies have flown the coop, been married and are developing families, and the other two babies are sprouting and trying out their wings, you realize that laundry, organic carrots and hair styles are not all that important. It doesn’t matter what your mother in law says, or the lady at the boutique. The comments from other moms at the soccer field or the looks from the moms who lead the PTO are only going to last while they are being spoken. The second you walk away, they have all forgotten you and your brood- I can almost guarantee it.
And what does your brood remember?
That their momma chose their smile over laundry, their ice cream face over carrots and their splashing in the rain over keeping her hair tidy. They remember your encouragement as they head off to high school, and your tears as they get married. They remember your smile, your comforting hug and that where ever their momma is, that is where they will always belong- no matter what.
The storm in my heart will always rage for my children- they will always be the first people I want to share things with (after my hubby), and the ones I will hurt for, ache with and love in an emotional way that only a mother can understand. When I look at them I see freckles, dirt, milk mustaches and smiles. I see their accomplishments and I see their failure all as my own. I help them get up and dust off when they fall, and I still dry their tears when disappointed.
As this storm rages, a new storm is brewing, in the generation of my grandchildren. If you can believe it, this storm is stronger than the last, because I already know what its like to love a child of my own- and having them raise another generation is just absolutely breathtaking.
Praying for this generation and the next-in parenting and beyond.
My Thanksgiving
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is……
The Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I think we completely overlook the act being thankful in our everyday lives…however, this week, Thanksgiving is at the forefront of our minds. Sure, there is turkey and all of the trimmings. Traditionally I purchase poinsettias this week to keep for the holidays. We divide the tasks for the big dinner between myself, my momma and my sister in law. We eat, shop and laugh the entire weekend. The guys go hunting for pheasant, and spend time together bonding in the great outdoors with a bunch of dogs who run amuck like the kids…then on Monday- back to reality .
Reality
Now that is something worth discussing.
Why is it that our reality doesn’t include being thankful everyday for every moment? When we are young, we are taught please and thank you. We learn to write thank-you notes for graduations and weddings. But what is being thankful really about?
The word I like for giving thanks is eucharisteo. It means to give thanks. When considering that every moment of every day is a gift from God, shouldn’t thankfulness be a part of our everyday, like prayer and showering? Maybe thankfulness is just hard for some, because of their circumstances or life situation.
As for me, I will continue to give thanks for every single thing. God never gets tired of hearing from his children, and I never get tired of thanking Him. This holiday weekend, lets start a new tradition- of giving thanks every day for every thing.
Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s necesssary.
Forgiving someone for a single infraction is a far easier task than forgiving someone for repeated issues. I should know. I have had a person in my life for over 20 years who is constantly and consistently hurting the people I love. I have been hurt by this person too, however, I am far more forgiving ( and forgetting) when it only involves myself. If I want to be realistic- I am just too busy to hold a grudge, retaliate, or actually take time to tackle the issue, whatever it may be.
When trying to deal with a difficult person, it is important to try to understand where their difficulty arises from. Why is it that seemingly good people change ( sometimes rather quickly) and become hurtful, spiteful and sometimes just rude? Has there been a tragedy, a situation or a life changing experience that has left a negative imprint on their heart? Is it the influence of a new friend or significant other? Maybe a medical issue or scare has the person totally frazzled, enough to put up a defense mechanism that turns into an offense.
I have, in recent years, tried to have a different perspective when it comes to people who make my life more bitter than sweet. I try to look for a reason for the issue at hand. Sometimes I get lucky and I can figure out the culprit very quickly. Sometimes I feel like I may go my entire life and never know the real reason why someone has so much hate in them that they would want to see the hurt on their loved ones faces after something they have said, posted online or otherwise. It frustrates me sometimes to the point of exhaustion. Worrying about it is another story entirely.
Worrying about my family and the hurt they have endured this year has been a lot for me to digest. Especially when I am fully aware there is not one thing I can do to fix this problem for any of us.
Then I remember that forgiveness is not optional, its mandatory.
Not only for the person I’m forgiving, but for my own personal life. Forgiving someone when they do something absurd is the only way to have closure on issues that befuddle me. By offering forgiveness to someone, I offer them Grace that they have never imagined. It doesn’t take the anger, frustration or heartache away right away- those things take time. But it does provide me with closure and peace that I have done the right thing when others aren’t willing to. And it provides my family an example of how to effectively deal with the issue of forgiveness when it seems someone doesn’t deserve it at all.
We all feel like that sometimes, but we have to remember- we only get to live our life one time on this earth-we should do our very best to leave a legacy of forgiveness and compassion that others may never know.
Praying for those who consistently are a thorn, that they may be blessed with a rose.
Still all True…:)
Over the past few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.
Lets face it, there has been a lot to reflect about.
The Two oldest children got married.
The youngest one entered High School.
The third one got his drivers license.
The granddaughter said “Mimi”.
There has been an overload of in laws.
I got laid off.
Things have been pretty stressful.
So, when things are like this, I reflect. Sometimes until I want to scream. I ask crazy questions, and then try to answer them. Some weird things have happened too, and they send me over the edge, so to speak. Like screaming all the way down. (I‘m still waiting to hit the bottom)
This is what I have come up with.
1- When “good” friends moved away, I found out how good of friends they really were. Like when they came back to town frequently and I don’t even know it.(thank you social media) Then I run into them and they act shocked and hurt that they didn’t know my children were getting married that weekend. (among other personal life things close friends would have a clue about if they were indeed as close as they made themselves out to be.)
2-There are some relationships I’ve worry about my entire married life, then I realized in one clarifying moment that I just do not care anymore. My marriage, my relationships with my husband, my children, my parents, my family, should not matter to other people. ( And their opinion of me should not impact their relationships with my husband and children either.)
3-I am maybe not meant to work a full time job with great income and great co-workers. I have applied everywhere. My degree is a piece of paper that cost me a lot of money, that looks pretty on my wall.(personally would like to throw darts at it)
4-People in my direct circle do not take me seriously when it comes to my expertise. Therefore, they consult other people with my expertise because those people are more likely to know the facts and I am not. (P.S. I know a few things, but I guess I will keep them to myself)
5-My walk with Christ is personal and sometimes when I sing, pray or worship I get full and I cry...That is just how I am wired. I am not the same person I was before my spiritual revolution, and some people do not know the new me. Sometimes people make assumptions based on things they have heard, instead of things they have found to be true for themselves. It makes me sad, because these very people should know better. And if they do not know better, then they do not trust in the word of God to be true. Redemption is real. Forgiveness is real. Change is real. I know, I have experienced them all.
Should I feel so frustrated for so many reasons? I think so. I am human after all. It gives me something to pray about, learn about, study. Provides me a place to grow. I like growing. It hurts, but its good.
I find in my reflecting, I am letting things go. Letting people go, and their judgement and false perceptions of me.
I do not need “friends” who are fair-weather- I need commitment.
I need prayerful friends who have a common goal- heaven.
I need in-laws who love and respect my husband in spite of his wife.
I need someone to take a chance on me and give me a job I can be worthy of.
I need people I trust to trust me with my expertise.
I need for the people who judge me to feel accountable for their own shortcomings first and understand I am redeemed by Christ- I’m not looking for redemption by any man.
Praying my attitude improves, and my reflections on all of these things is helpful for the future.
I love fall.
I LOVE FALL.
That is about all I have this morning.
Except this.
The sun is shining, it is a beautiful morning. I have no to-do list that is pressing, and I am looking forward to a wonderful day of things with my husband. We may move some roses. We may fix the garage door. We might have soup for lunch, and we might have time for a nap.
I love days like this.
Wishing I had a camera to collect the memories of a day like today.
My phone is pretty quiet.
My house is warm.
My coffee is hot.
My God is fabulous.
And my dogs are barking- which means they are hungry and want to come back inside with the family.
Praying everyday is a blessing for every one of you who read.
the scary truth
Yesterday at 1:09 I got the call no parent ever wants to get. The school called to say there had been a threat at the the high school and they had moved all of the students to the middle school for safety until the building was deemed “clear”.
Say WHAT?!
The next couple of hours were quite worrysome. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry a little, or have all of those images of other school crisis run through my head at least once. ( OK, maybe all afternoon, and might I add thank you to the media for replaying them so often they are burned into my memory forever) My friend , whom I was on the phone with at the time of the call, was also worried. Her son is at the middle school, and her thought was, “great- make the middle school a target too, not that there are twice the kids there”. Parents started criticizing the school right away, some out of fear, lack of control over their child’s safety, and some because that is their role in our community. (didn’t say it was right, I said it was their chosen role)
I sent my son a text right away-
“Are you guys ok?”
“Yes- we walked to the middle school gym”
“Do I need to come get you?”
“Noicanthavemyhoneoutrightnow.”
(translation- “No, I can’t have my phone out right now.”)
Good to know
Whew- somehow even a text hearing from one of my boys made me feel better. At 2:30, another call came, letting parents know the kids still could not return to the school for their things, they would need to make other arrangements to get home, even if they drove their own car because the bomb squad had been dispatched to sweep the school, parking lot and surrounding area.
Sha-zamm. There goes my calm,right out the window. Since school gets out at 3:00, I loaded myself into the truck and went to get my boys. No sense in them sitting in the gym doing nothing for another thirty minutes. The school was cleared by 4:00 and we went to pick up everything they had left behind. (as a side note a shout out to the ladies and gentlemen in the middle school office dealing with all us crazy worried parents they did an awesome job!)
On the ride home, neither boy showed any real concern for the days events. It was a message in the girls bathroom. They just didn’t see the reason for panic. They agreed the school did everything right to keep them safe, and they aren’t worried about returning today. I think that was the general consensus of the kids. They were more aggravated at the interruption in schedule than the remote possibility that someone at their school built any type of device to hurt anyone at their school.
The scary truth in this situation is, no matter how good of a parent you are, you cannot protect them from it all. They know by the time they are in high school the difference between right and wrong. They know other people may try to make life hard on them. They know about sex, bullying, drugs and driving. They know how to say no, how to call their mom and when to step in to protect one another. They are what I like to call pseudo-adults. I like this word because it aggravates them (hehe) and it gives them credit for the growing up they are doing, while keeping them in the confines of being able to lean on their momma and dad.
I also during this entire situation had to keep reminding myself that my children are children of God first. They were his first, and most importantly. If for some crazy reason they are torn from this world, it would devastate me. But, I know my Father will take care of my children better than I ever could, because He is my everything, and He is capable. So if I should ever get this call again, I know I will react in my very helpless human way- but I will always know that God has my back in every situation, and that is my only true source of comfort.
Praying today for the school, students, staff, administration and authorities that everyone is safe and not so on edge today…
Grace as a gift
This past weekend, I spent 24 hours with a group of ladies from my church at the Cafe Chocolat retreat. It was more eye opening than I could have imagined. I learned I can pray in front of other people, outside of my care group. I learned that grace is for everyone: your friends, yourself, your enemies. I also learned that not everyone who comes to a retreat is looking for what you have to offer, and some are just there as part of the routine of Christianity.
(something to do because you should do it, not because your heart is in it)
That last part really truly frustrates me. I mean, to the core. I am in a “weird” spiritual place right now- have been for months, and I cannot see complacency having a place in my walk with Christ. I am a huge procrastinator-(have had an unmatched sock basket for 21 years), so for me to make a statement about complacency is a big deal in my world. It actually hurts my soul to see women with so much to give, just sit like blobs and soak up nothing! Not just at a weekend retreat, but at any point in their life. Do they not realize their families are depending on them? Do they not understand their girlfriends may need their compassion, love and Christ centered attitude to help make difficult decisions? And why do they not understand that Christ wants nothing more from them- except themselves? I think its because no one has ever told them how important they are to their church,their family, their God. This makes me so sad, because it is true, every word.
I was very much the girl with blinders on. I was the one going through the motions of being a “christian woman”. Sunday church, care groups off and on, VBS leader, and so on and so forth. I was her. For a long time. I was unattached to Christ, unattached to my church home and unattached to myself. I was one of these women, and I think that is why I see it so clearly now.
As disappointed as I am that some women came and left without soaking anything up- and it was GOOD, the soaking, I am also refreshed with optimism that if I can come through to the other side of wonderful, then anyone can. Its not a place of trouble and carefree living, with no stress, no issues, no troubles. Oh, believe me, there are troubles. But there is Hope. There is Hope in Grace that Christ provides. He showed it very clearly to his friends in his compassion, he showed it to his enemies when he healed the ear of Malchus, and he showed it to us when he chose to die a brutal death on the cross so we can be free spirits forever. What more can a girl ask for really?
Grace is something we must choose to give and receive. We must choose it to use it, and I am loving it. Lets face it, people are annoying, hateful, even crazy. But we can be grateful that those people have a real chance at redemption, because that is what grace is for. And so, therefore do we.
Praying for receptive grace and for giving grace this week.
Feeling Overwhelmed?!
On Sunday, Lots of people told me how great my hair looks. I wore a ponytail for 309 days in a row, and I think most of them were just breathing a sigh of relief that I had a new look. Truthfully, I am overwhelmed and sometimes a big change makes me feel better. Plus, I wanted different hair for the second wedding in our family in 30 days….so I whacked it all off. 8 inches. Gone. No more ponytail-it isn’t long enough.
Yes, I said second wedding within 30 days. Both of them for my children. My son and his beautiful fiance were married on September 21, and my daughter and her fiance are getting married this Saturday.
Ask me about being overwhelmed.
In the middle of the daily chaos that makes up our family and our lives, I also got laid off, my husband lost 60 hours of work in a single month and I am working on planning a women’s retreat for our church with a group of women.
I have always been really good at saying yes to people I care about. I know being a yes girl has landed me in a world of trouble with time-management and such, but it feels so good to do something for others. Until this week.
The hair was a good sign, and my husband caught on right away. The first thing he said to me was ” after all this is over, we need to plan a weekend get away trip for ourselves”. No kidding. Then he complemented me on my haircut.
I know feeling overwhelmed is something we all deal with at some point- self inflicted or thrown on us by someone else, it can be a huge issue in our relationships and in our daily routine. The first thing I do when I feel that icky feeling running up my spine and into my head is to stop. I stop moving, thinking, even breathing. I stop and I pray. Anxiety is nothing to mess with, and there is nothing in the world that can bring down the house faster than an over-anxious momma stuck in a moment of uh-oh. I just say this simple prayer- “Father, I need you to lead. Lead my heart, my soul and my mind. I need you to calm my nerves, and give me clear thinking. Thank You Father. Amen”. Mostly this is a prayer that I say from the inside of my head, then I wait for the calm to happen- and it always happens. (And it is weird at first- actually made me a little angry that it was so easy for God to do it, but so hard for me to ask).
Oh but once I ask- things seem clearer, and to happen in the way they should. And typically when momma stops moving, breathing and thinking, people notice and it gets pretty quiet. Mostly issues resolve themselves, or disappear altogether. God does work in mysterious ways, and this one really baffles and impresses me every time.
The hardest part of this process is remembering in the moment to stop and pray. But once you start doing it- your overwhelmed feelings can be turned into motivation for accomplishing what seems impossible at the time- through Christ who gives you strength.
Today as I count down to wedding #2,
I pray for overwhelmed mommas and their overwhelmed moments.
Im not that girl anymore…WHEW
Ten years ago I came completely unhinged when people did stupid human things that humans do. I remember seeing someone cringe once when I came into the school to pick up my boys after they rolled off the bus in a fist-fight.
Brothers.
In a fist -fight.
With each other.
I was one really out of control momma. I am pretty sure that was my breaking point with myself. Then came my breaking point with everything else. I am not sure what exactly happened, and I am sure I don’t want to remember. I just know that I had met my limit with people, things and stuff in general.
Then in one of my little cleaning rages ( I tend to do that when I get angry or frustrated), I found a note card with a scripture on it. “Be still” it said. “KNOW that I am GOD”. I remember writing that on the card some years before when I was trying to be super-scripture girl-wanting to know the words, but truly never admitting that I didn’t understand them at all.
Be still.
Be still.
Be still.
Those words haunted me for days, as I tried to “get back into a routine” with the cleaning, mothering and wife-ing , (is that a word?) . I just kept coming back to them. BE STILL screamed at me from every dirty sock, dirty dish and dirty floor. Never was our house in such great shape. CLEAN house, dirty soul. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. I accidentally went four days without caffeine….and during that headache I let the everything that was inside me, holding me prisoner to myself, out. I cried. I scrubbed. I cried. Then finally, I collapsed onto my bed and prayed.
WHAT?
Prayed?
Seriously, am I so dense that I had to collapse on my bed in hysterics to PRAY?! I really understood the straw that broke the camels back theory. and I never want to go there again. Growing hurts! I was very hurt. My heart ached for something that not even my husband could fill. My body hurt from all the scrubbing. My head hurt from over-thinking everything.
Prayer hurt too. Something totally unexpected. And new- not in the warm fuzzy way. I was really quiet for a few weeks. Then I decided I liked me that way. Was the entire lesson for me to just shut up and listen for once? Because I really still don’t know what I am listening for.
What I do know is this:
-God speaks in some loud ways, and some quiet ways.
-Prayer and meditation have changed me.
-I have everything I need, provided to me by the Father.
-I’m thankful I’m not that girl anymore.
Not being her doesn’t mean perfection. And I have learned it doesn’t mean other people have forgotten her. She is still very alive for some, and for some that is who I will always be. (That’s quite unfortunate since I have changed so much and have so much more to offer than others may think.) I will not go into the many many things I have left behind with the girl I used to be. Lets just say I am very careful to continue on the path God has laid before me, using discernment, prayer, meditation, fellowship and compassion. Everything I make a decision about must be Biblically founded in this new journey of mine. How I discipline my children, love my husband and where my loyalty lies. I worship a God who has undeniable power to change a life going nowhere good into something wonderful and inspiring to others. I worship a God who asks only that I love Him first and put everything about being human last. And when others aren’t ok with that, it is OK. Because I am.
From the perspective of someone who knows- If you have been judging someone from their past actions, behaviors or where they come from- remember- our God is compassionate, forgiving and loving. People are human and able to change. I did. And those who see my change recognize that God has moved in me, as He moves in others. Be careful not to fall into the trap of judgement, assumptions and grudges. Its not a place to live. And forgiveness and redemption are meant to be for everyone.
Praying for those unjustly accused and for their accusers- there are two sides to every story, and everyone should live as if they reside in a glass house.
