Sometimes the dirt wears on you and it hurts.

 

In this weird place I have been thrown in my life, the dirt is coarse and harshly abrasive. My emotions continually get the best of me. Things I have no control over seem to pile up. I cannot see straight some days. I feel as if there is no escape.

I made promises to myself several years ago and I have broken every one of them. I had many weak moments, many opportunities to stand tall, and I was depending on my bible to rescue me. Finally,  I determined through experience and study that I preferred coffee to people and I slowly made that happen.

 I mean- I really made that happen.

No more bible study or small group. No more coffee dates. No more late night calls to friends. No more celebrations. No more dinners, sporting events, concerts or functions. I pared back my social media time and limited my interaction with people in general. Unless I am at work or married to you, I am simply not interested. I need a re-set.

I fell out of love with people. We are mean and dirty and imperfect, and I am tired. I don’t want to be involved in conversations which turn to gossip. I don’t want to take sides anymore, for any reason. I want to be able to help solve problems, not just listen to complaints. I don’t like secrets when they could hurt someone. I cannot handle seeing marriages crumble. I want simple. I want Christ based relationships with no ugly hurt. I want my Christian friends to be… Christ-like, so I can be free to be the same.  I want my life to be a reflection of Jesus, not the people in my social circle.

I don’t want to talk to anyone outside my very small circle which includes my very patient husband and immediate family. I force myself to say nice, polite things to the check-out clerk at the grocery store, the guy at the gas station and the greeter at the office in my school. Eye contact is hard, and church is the hardest place to go. Almost too hard.

This new commitment is super scary. People want me to do things I simply have no interest in doing. They want to talk to me, like about real life things. They want me to go to fun paint classes and serve on the hospitality team and bring the grandbabies to Sunday School. These people are quite lovely, and I just want to hide from them. Somewhere inside my core, I hear myself screaming “run away”.  Yet, they still check on me when I am absent. ( I am so appreciative, just quiet)

I don’t feel very loveable right now, being so overwhelmed. I come to him with a full plate. I know Jesus is standing here, holding my hand and heart. I know the answer is him.  I know all these crazy earthly things will melt upon his return. I know his promises are true.  But this dirt in my life hurts today. It hurts right now. It feels like it will never wash off. It is incapacitating, and he knows.

Do you go through the motions each day? Do you read scripture like you are dying of thirst for its power and knowledge? Isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing in our seasons of filth and unrest?  Is knowledge really power, and can we find our way back to using our power for good?

I want to use my power for good, my words for encouragement and my life for Christ.  In all the crunch and chaos of things around me, I stand alone on the promise of Jesus. I choose to stand alone and be quiet, even for these few moments (which in the grand scheme of things adds up to nothing). I choose to take a step back and reset my priorities and focus.

I choose to be still.