Surprising New Grief

Christmas trees, lights, and music. The magic of dark starry nights crisp on the edge of winter. Quiet drives to church or dinner. Holding my husbands’ hand while we watch our favorite movie over and over again. Coffee in the evening, popcorn and a warm fire. The giant fuzzy blanket covering our feet. Walks in the crunchy leaves covered in a dusting of snow. A warm hug from a grandchild, a kind message from a friend and an unexpected card in the mail. Time around the table with my adult children and their spouses.

These are all things I cherish this time of year.

Even in the shadow of grief, I am able to find joy in this season. My parents always taught us how to be thankful and joyful, even when it seemed impossible. So I am pressing on, allowing the things that bother me to roll off my shoulders and embracing the things which lift me up. In the process, a new, different kind of grief has caught me off guard.

Grief for the living.

 Is this a thing? Because I never identified it this way before now. I have so much grief and sadness for some of the living. I watch people bring misery upon themselves and I simply do not understand their choices.  

I witnessed family members holding on to decades-long grudges, depriving everyone of precious time. I see animosity fill the hearts of individuals who refuse to simply agree to disagree. I watch adult children struggle with parents who have no idea how to love unconditionally. I hear words exchanged in anger and accusations made unnecessarily. I read social media posts that are snarky and passive-aggressive. I see people hiding behind screens sending emotionless, voiceless messages. Mostly I witness the hurt.

My heart grieves for those who do not choose to love. It hurts to watch grown children suffer. It’s hard to hear them wonder what they did wrong. It is painful to see friends and family mourn the relationship they once had with their parents or siblings. Grandparents intentionally staying away from their grandchildren is something I will never understand.  

Part of me wants to scream “Wake up! You have another day, another chance to make this right! Fix it before it’s too late!”  Another part realizes they won’t because they can’t see past their own hurt, whether justified or not. They need more than my words can provide.

The brokenness is sometimes unbearable. I can’t fix it. All I can do is pray. My prayer is simple.

Jesus, please be near to those who are grieving the living. Their loved ones may not know you. They may not want to. It may be too hard or uncomfortable to reconcile. Maybe they need an open door for a chance. Maybe they need a miracle. They need you to heal their brokenness, to show them a path, to soften their hearts. Healing can come from you, and I am asking for it now. Show them the way Lord, and show us the way, too. Help us to be forgiving, unconditionally loving people.  Help us back to joy.

In Your Name Always, Amen

If you are experiencing this kind of grief, please know you are not alone. Also, know it is healthy to have boundaries. It is also ok to take a break from trying when you are worn out. You are worthy and valuable to Jesus. You are held.

Xoxo,